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Law Humor

: Lowering the Bar

By Kevin Underhill

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It's Dennis Kucinich vs. the Longworth House Office Building cafeteria, in a battle to determine who should pay for injuries allegedly suffered when Rep. Kucinich bit into a sandwich wrap and encountered an olive pit. Kucinich alleges that he sustained "serious and permanent dental and oral injuries" from the 2008 incident, although somebody has already dug up a C-SPAN video recorded five days later in which Kucinich appears to be able to give a speech without any trouble.

Congratulations to Madina Salamova, the Russian whose book about her experience as an illegal immigrant in Norway led to her being named "Norwegian of the Year" by a news magazine there. The book was widely acclaimed, but unfortunately was also evidence that she was an illegal immigrant. Salamova was arrested last week and is likely to be deported.

What's worse than a lawyer calling an accident victim in the hospital to try to drum up business? Doing it over one thousand times in a 90-day period. Slight mitigating factor: it wasn't the same patient every time.

In the latest effort to remove all risk (and fun) from every aspect of American life, two states are considering laws that would limit the use of phones and iPods while walking. The Arkansas bill, for example, would prohibit the wearing of headphones "while on, parallel or adjacent to a street, road, intersection or highway." (Guys, I'm pretty sure that if I were "parallel" to a road or street, I would be lying down and so not especially dangerous to others. I'm probably resting, so leave me alone.) The law would generously allow pedestrians to listen with one ear, though. "You might not get the full effect of the Boston Symphony Orchestra with one ear," said an Arkansas legislator, "but you at least will be aware of your surroundings." Guess what? Now the Boston Symphony Orchestra hates you, too.

Speaking of stupid people who lack awareness even with both ears free, the woman who walked into a fountain while texting also turns out to have a criminal record including six theft convictions and one hit-and-run. She is likely facing six months of house arrest, with electronic monitoring, on the most recent charges. That might keep her out of the local fountains, but hopefully there are plenty of things around the house for her to run into.