Family Law

Helping Your Children During the Transition of Separation or Divorce

By J. Benjamin Stevens

The following tips can help your children deal with the transition that takes place in separation and divorce cases:

• Educate yourself about the impact of divorce on children. Knowledge is empowering, and learning the hard facts about the effects of divorce on children will allow you to respond authentically and rationally to your child's experience. Avoid relying on what you think you know, or what you have heard. Incorrect information will not serve you or your family.
• Become aware of your own beliefs and ideas about divorce. It is not uncommon for parents to feel that their own experience of divorce equates with their child's. Presuming that your child is devastated because you are, or assuming that your children will be "damaged" by divorce because you were is dangerous and ineffective. Your children will experience the divorce in their own way, with your guidance, nurturing and support. There is no definitive outcome, only self-created experience.
• Parents can tend to hide behind their children in order to avoid their own pain of divorce. Many divorcing couples with children say things like, "I just worry about the kids; I'm fine" or, "I just want to make sure my kids are OK. I'll deal with my own issues later." Worrying about the children is normal, but not helpful. By obsessively focusing on their kids, divorcing parents are escaping their own devastation. Most of what a parent expresses about their child's emotions about divorce can be found inside the parent as part of their own suffering.
• The key to a healthy outcome for children of divorce stems from how their parents perceive and experience the divorce. Parents are role models for their children, so asking, "How do I want to move through this experience?" can be helpful. Will it be with honor, integrity and authenticity? Or will the transition be riddled with fear, negativity, bitterness and regret? Parents can learn so much from their children's resilience, open-mindedness and innocence

Source:  "Hiding Behind Your Children in Divorce" by Andra Brosh, Ph.D. and Allison Pescosolido, M.A., published at Mom Logic.

Full post as published by SC Family Law Blog on November 15, 2010 (boomark / email).