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: Bernard Madoff

Fornicating Fridays! Madoff Media on the SEC Mayhem..Ahem...and Amen its Friday!

Dear Mr. President:
I too am aghast (with mouth wide-open) and find it hard to swallow this morning's news stories accusing my staffers of inappropriately surfing the internet for pornographic material.

When you nominated me to sit on top of the SEC staff,  trust me when I tell you that I considered it to be a missionary position, and I've literally bent over backwards to rectalfy the misconceptions of the role that we play.

After all, the photo to the right illustrates what I had to deal with during that first transition meeting.



That said, when I agreed to come, I made sure to elevate the position of General Kokz (I'm sorry, I meant Kotz) in order to undress the behavior of my predecessor, Commissioner Cox, and to otherwise get a firm grip on the hard-probing practices here at the SEC.

This hasn't always been easy. As noted at Bernie's Blog, politics is a contact sport, and even Ram (oops, I meant Rahm) will attest to how the media will take things out of context when government officials are innocently working through the back door to achieve peak performance.

My point is, today's news reports about our staff surfing the Web for porn have been taken completely out of context.

In order for us to truly understand the many ways by which investors are getting screwed by unsavory bankers and brokers, our staff is obligated to perform extensive research.

And, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, my predecessor, Big Cox, will confirm that SEC has always delved into websites such as DoggieStyle.com, BackDoor.com, and similar vestibules in order to understand the minds of illegal shorts and other market masturbators (Excuse me, Mr. President, I meant to say manipulators!).

But, in all due respect to Big Cox, the photo to the right clearly demonstrates that even he found it difficult to review the many thousands of pieces of research that crossed his desk.

It is true that one of our senior attorneys spent as much as eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography. Its also true that one of our accountants searched the web for porn content more than 16,000 times in a single month in the course of his research. And, the fact that another two dozen SEC staffers with pay grades of up to $200,000 per year have also been involved in similar research merely illustrates the high-level priority that SEC has placed on this initiative.

Now, I should also make it clear that General Kokz (a/k/a Little Kokz) has assured me that he will personally spank any staffer that might have abused their internet access privileges.

I've also conferred with the DOJ, and they've promised to lend us the use of the team currently assigned to the Madoff matter. They too are experts at surfing the web when having nothing better to do, and they have plenty of handcuffs that haven't been used as of yet; so if spanking doesn't do the trick, we'll handcuff those staffers to their posts.

Thank you for your continued confidence in my leadership.

Mary Shapiro, Commissioner


To: Lloyd
From: Jamie
As tough as it was for both of us to sit through that speech yesterday, I truly feel for you and your people.

I know that you'd like to think I'm happy that you're getting all of this bad press, but Christ Almighty, GS has made it a point for at least two decades to insert your people down in DC, while the rest of us merely relied upon paying millions to those f--king lobbyists. Whatever.

What with all of the stupidity going on, we need to stick together. I'm happy to take my gloves off and give them to you. Given today's headlines about how the SEC does little more than j--k off, it won't take more than a single sucker punch to deflect their shots at you.
Just remember, one hand washes the other..

Jamie

BTW...We all know that the SEC likes to spank some of us on Wall St...We've got people "inside" and this is just one of hundreds of videos that came from the PC of someone at the Enforcement Division. A good thing to have in your hands if they don't decide to drop the case against GS..
 

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 24, 2010 (boomark / email).