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Judge Carton Rules: Four-Digit Prison Sentences and One-Named 'Milk-o-holics'

By Bruce Carton

Welcome back to Judge Carton Rules, where a fake judge issues rulings to spare the parties to cases in which the outcome is obvious the time and expense of further litigation. Here is today's docket: Case 1: In the awesome commercial below, the toddler girlfriend of the E-Trade baby demands to know if "that milk-o-holic Lindsay was over" at her boyfriend's house. Lindsay "You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Commercial Is About You" Lohan says that she ?has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna,? and as such, the ad has misappropriated her "name and characterization.? She's asking for $100 million. Judge Carton's ruling: Bwaaaah haaahaaaaahaaaaaa hahhaaaaa!! Wow. Good to laugh like that once in a while. Now get out of my fake courtroom, "Lindsay," and do not return. E-Trade's future Motion to Dismiss is GRANTED. Case 2: On Monday, the Alhambra Superior Court sentenced 35-year old serial bank robber Anthony Richard Cuellar (dubbed the "Mickey Mouse Bandit") to 1,948 years in prison for a nail salon robbery and eight bank heists in 2007. Judge Carton's ruling: Even divided by 10, Cuellar's sentence is still 40-plus years longer than Bernard Madoff's 150-year sentence. Cuellar's future motion to modify...

Full post as published by Legal Blog Watch on March 10, 2010 (boomark / email).