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Adventures in Lawyering #2

The new docket that I have been assigned to is somewhat of a nightmare, fairly disorganized and totally intimidating, but at least it provides for some decent entertaining moments throughout the day. Overheard in court this morning while judge was setting conditions of defendant's bond on the record:

Judge: Mr. Defendant you are prohibited from possessing any firearms, possessing or consuming alcohol or controlled substances without a valid prescription while on bond in this case. Do you understand?

Defendant: Wait a minute your honor, if I can't drink and I can't smoke pot, then what am I supposed to do to you know relax and take the edge off of well life in general, cause man it sucks?

Judge gives defendant one of the most stern looks I've ever seen a judge give a defendant from the bench

Judge: well Mr. Defendant, I can't give you legal advice, but I can give you some common sense: read a book, watch a movie, take a walk, try yoga, or hell maybe some good old fashioned hot chocolate would work for you, I frankly don't really care what it is that you do just so long as you never ever appear in my courtroom for another alcohol or drug related offense ever again. Am I making myself clear Mr. Defendant?

Defendant: Yes sir, you've made it very clear that you are one bitter asshole, frankly sir I'd suggest that you just go ahead and smoke a joint, might help you relax and take the edge off. But I ain't no lawyer, so I sure as hell can't give you legal advice.

My docket partner and I had the hardest time not busting up laughing in the courtroom while that exchange was occurring. Frankly I'm surprised the judge didn't hold the guy in contempt and increase the bond amount.

Full post as published by [ Useless Dicta ] on November 07, 2009 (boomark / email).