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General Kotz: My Hands Are Tied!

TO: B. Frank
From: Gen. David Kotz,
US Securities & Exchange

Barney:

As you know, I'm a General. That means that I only take orders from my commanding officer, and right now, it doesn't appear that my commanding officer is on Capitol Hill.

Though I greatly appreciate the support that you've provided, I'm getting a lot of flak from people that expect me to be providing reports in triplicate.

I thought that I made it perfectly clear the day that I appeared before your committee that I'd get you a report when I have the time to put one together.

Nothing I said four months ago has changed; you'll have your report when I'm good and ready, and when my friend Steve, over to my left (your right), decides which way to turn on Pennsylvania Ave.

I'm thinking you should have something in writing about the Madoff matter before Labor Day..maybe next Tisha b'av at the latest. In either case, it'll definitely be after Mr. Madoff gets sentenced, and definitely either before or after Steve, and his friend Irv Picard start figuring out who is owed what, and when they should get some money sent to them. That's presuming they're entitled to it.

We don't need to be writing reports about what happened in the past, we need to be focused on moving forward into the future!

Right now, my hands are full with all kinds of things--and its a good thing that I've got an extra large size bottle of that Soapopular alcohol-free, rinse free hand sanitizer. I love this stuff! We've investigated their claims, and it certainly appears this stuff is even effective against Swine Flu!

BTW-I noticed that your friend, Sen. Durbin convinced OAC to install alcohol hand sanitizer dispenser stands throughout the lobby. Please take note: I'm a General, and I'm obligated to investigate this and report it to the fire warden here in the House of Representatives.

What were you people thinking? Do you realize that there's a line of interns in the lobby of the building holding their coffee cups under those dispensers and turning this place into one big Happy Hour? Do you know what would happen if someone lit a match under one of this things??

I'll report back to you in another few months. In the interim, stay well!
General Kotz

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on June 16, 2009 (boomark / email).