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: Bernard Madoff

Mid Day With Bernie..Handsome and Handy!

So, once again, everyone's been sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for my next update.

I'd have posted yesterday, but they put this nut job Art Nadel in the cell next to mine, and he's been whining and crying so much lately, I can barely concentrate.

And then I got distracted and started twitching so much I couldn't see after reading that bullshit in Vanity Fair.

To: Squiggy
From: Bernie

For someone that I treated like a princess, even treated like a daughter, and now you're stabbing me in the back like Brutus, just to make a few lousy bucks?? I can only ask how much that rag paid you to use that gorgeous photo of me?

Of course I'm flattered by the photo. One of the best! And, of course I remember you telling me what you dreamed about every other night with my picture hanging over your bed; but that SHIT you said about Ruth is inexcusable!

Paul--take a note: You're up on this libel stuff, so if you could have your people look into the crap that Squiggy was spewing in that rag, let's see if we can add another ham sandwich to the docket.

And Mark--Your mother told me that you actually did sell the life insurance policies, which is fine. But you need to make sure the papers are in order. While you've been busy fly fishing, or f--king redecorating the beach house, and no doubt, while Andy's been busy pissing his pants, Picard managed to get Lifland to cancel the company insurance plans. That means that whatever you sold the policies for are going to be worth shit in exactly three days, unless someone picks up the premium payments. I have to tell you everything??

Next:
To Sonny C: If Sonja sends in one more f--king invoice for "commissions owed", tell Marcia to forward them to Frankie D. BTW, if Marcia is really getting 'married', Ruth and I wish her many mazels!

Frankie: Keep playing those guys like Neil Diamond plays his guitar. You know the first two letters of the alphabet. Enough said on that topic.

Andy: My sweet little pisher. I'm going to be moved out of here soon, so I'm going to expect you to be a little bit more respectful. You know what I'm talking about.

Your mother needs your support, so stop acting like an ingrate! I taught you better than that!

And stop worrying about Lipkin and those 401k's. You didn't do anything wrong, because you didn't know anything.

Also-I hear that you're busy day trading--which is fine. I'm thinking you should be trading from the short side. Frankie can help you with the options stuff, but don't go home long. This market smells worse than Nan's chair! HA! See...your old man still has a sense of humor!

But seriously, even if that kid Geithner is going to buy out our stock of printer cartridges, I'm thinking that another shoe is going to be dropping. And this won't be a time to catch falling knives.

Speaking of catching things, Shana: The daughter I never had...Here's some more advice from your Uncle Bernie: Put your hands on some of that Soapopular stock. This is very good stuff. Kills all the swine...and there's plenty of that out at the beach. I'm hearing that even the Navy is going to use it!

And its perfectly fine for the kids to use. You can't be too careful..so make sure they're washing their hands, but when they're playing on the beach, or when you take them to a show, this is the stuff you want to keep handy. Hey..handy hand sanitizer! I've not only kept my sense of humor, but I'm thinking of writing jingles now!

Love to you all. Well, maybe not to all of you. Ruth is keeping the list.

BLM

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on May 28, 2009 (boomark / email).