Law Humor

Bernie's Advice For Easter Egg Hunts

And one thing that Ezra had always reminded me is that eggs, by themselves, are completely kosher.

So a few years ago, I had one of my Madoff Midas great ideas.

To Nose Picker Picard:

There's a boat that you can't freeze, and one that the pirates on The Bull didn't even think about. The one to the right is just part of a collection.

So--Irving--all I can say is that you can enjoy the Mets tickets (Pete says they really are good seats), and the Feds can freeze anything they want.

But trust me, they'll freeze their asses in hell before I let Ruth wind up with egg on her face--and the combination of botox and egg yolk isn't a pretty one. Did I say that the one in the picture is just part of a collection?

So Walter--while you and the little ones are putzing around at Round Hill's Easter Egg Hunt--and wondering whether Jerry's little pisher Marc is going to be throwing one of his shoes at you again, I'm thinking you shouldn't let Monica tell too many people about the crate of eggs that you've got in your frig.. Just a suggestion.

Next: To Marcia C.

Mark says I should be sending you a a congrats on that thing in Vermont. Speaking of eggs, your Dad says that your nest egg hasn't been cracked. Like I told Ruth last week--muni's aren't the place to be.

Next: To Jamie Dimon

I don't know which one of your smart alecky lawyers is telling you how to handle this situation, but every day that ticks by is like a PR time-bomb. If you haven't noticed, there isn't enough Vicks Vapor Rub for the people at Vizcaya right now--but nobody's ever heard of them, so its not such a big deal. For you, it probably is. And trust me, you don't want to go with your internal PR people on this. Maybe try Starkman's outfit; so far so good it seems--after all nobody's been talking about Shana lately. Other than that bikini waxing incident with Andy. Oy.

But Jamie, do you really need Barney Flubber fingering around even more than he already is?? He won't figure it out on his own, but one of his 23 year old genius assistants is going to say "Mmm...Jamie's gong to have clawyers coming after him for $25o million, and how much of that is going to come out of the FART money that we sent them?? Oy.. Complicated, right?

Don't worry, I 'm available on a consulting basis to show you how to work through this. Let's do a conference call with Paul K. next week.

Last: Food for Thought-

Mark says that there's this great chocolate place in Westport CT that's having a special on their dark chocolate Easter Eggs tomorrow--but f--king Teicher doesn't want us to promote the store, because the last time we did, I coincidentally mentioned his name on the same day..It seems that his wife loves shopping there, but doesn't want any publicity, and is afraid someone will run into her at the shop...What? Vic volunteering to testify in a law suit against poor Ezra doesn't put egg on faces?? Oy..

God-dammit Ira- Now I know why you wouldn't lead in with the insanity plea and let me wear my PJ's to court--everybody else is 10x crazier than I could even try to be!

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 10, 2009 (boomark / email).