Law Humor

Madoff Unveiled?? Maybe.. Who Else is Exposed?

First:
Ira- Get hold of those people at Apple and tell them I expect the endorsement check before Wednesday. The clip of me on ABC News using a Mac is going to be worth millions for that company!

Next:
I spent the entire weekend reading through the jibber jabber that Irving Picard was spewing on Friday. The good news is, he still doesn't understand what he's talking about. The bad news is that nobody that showed up could figure out what he was talking about either.

And, for those of you that can't document how you much invested at the beginning, the bads news is that Mr. Irving Picard is suggesting that you could be f--ked.

So, maybe you should call back your brokerage firms and tell them to keep looking! Especially the people over at Merrill. Telling customers that you don't keep records for more than 10 years doesn't sound right. I know I got my records back from 1987. But maybe that's because I'm special.

Which is all good news for Marcia C. and the many others that were integral to our business.

Next: RE: Clawyers and Clawbacks.

To Sonnie:
From Your Brother Bernie:
It appears that you don't have to worry so much. Sure, you took out more than you put in. But it was bupkus compared to some of the others. The clawyers are only going after the big fish. As in whales. Not the pikers and the minnows.

We covered this topic several weeks ago. Andy and Mark like pikers--and people like Ezra are whales. Pretty simple, right?

In any case, with all this talk about seafood, I wanted to thank my clawyback lawyer friend Keith Hanratty and his friends at Stella's out in Minneapolis for their nice gift.

Those claw crackers are already coming in handy! Every time Mark or Andy whines, I can use these things to bust their balls some more!!

Jodi- Send those people at Stella's a case of pisher pads for their bathroom and maybe a few cases of our new TP. Tell them the pisher pads are dual purpose, they work just fine as mouse pads too.! Just scroll to the right and order from the blog! I'm thinking that they could probably use a Bernie Mini-Me also.

They can put it right on top of their bar. The hammer works great on any nuts at the bar too! Just scroll to the right and order from the blog!

Next: "Did Bernie Trade or Didn't He?"
Everyone is asking the same question.

Mr. Irving Picard is saying that we didn't execute any trades for at least the past 10 years. It sure felt like we did. Right, Dan? And if Sonny Cohn says Belle Jones was the brains behind everything, who am I to argue??

Of course we traded!!! I know I traded in the Lexus for a 550SL just last year!! And, I must have traded at least three dozen Rolexes!

And, I know that Mark traded up from that little pisher cottage in Nantucket to a palace. So we traded plenty!!! And talk about trading up! Did you see those houses that all of the Noel kids traded up to?? Absolutely gorgeous!! So there was plenty of trading going on!!

Sure, a few people are trading back down again. But that's just more trading! That's why we're opening the MIDAS Fund!!!

Next:
From: Allen Stanford, Chairman, Stanford International Group
To: Bernie Madoff

Bernie-

Just a heads up; the research report that our brokerage subsidiary issued last week re: Madoff Mania LLC was completely out of my hands. Our reputation is pristine, and we've never, ever "touted" a company's stock. Well, maybe if it was pharmaceutical stock and we had actually been given free samples. But, the fact is, our research analyst actually bought a Mini-Me Madoff from your blog, and he says that it's indestructible.

Bernie, I don't know what you know about merchandising, but I'm guessing you must have put one of your stupid sons in charge of this division. Indestructible means that you won't get repeat sales!! Go back to the drawing board and tell that guy Graeme to use a different material. Something that can crack and shatter after maybe 100 whacks.

People are still going to pay the $100. Because its special.

Bernie--I know what I'm talking about. So trust me.

R.A.S.

Next:
To Richard Grasso
From: Bernie:

Dick-

You might have picked up last week's NY Post and the story about Sonny Delaire's kid-not the one that used to work for me, but the one working in the surveillance department over at the NYSE. For some stupid f--king reason, they just figured out there might be a connection to you, and they put the kid on "administrative leave".

I'm thinking you still have some juice over there, so lets talk about how to get the kid his job back. If that doesn't work, lets get him a job at SEC--he's got plenty of experience. If nothing else, he can be in charge of ordering donuts.
BLM

Last:
To Marcia C.
From Bernie:

I know that you and Elly are close..I don't care about the dirty laundry, so I'm thinking you might want to help get her a job. Stevie Spielberg is probably in need of a personal assistant, or a personal chef. Could be he likes seafood. Or if you want, I can call the people down at The Forge in Miami and see if they have an opening in the kitchen. Let me know your thoughts.
BLM

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on February 23, 2009 (boomark / email).