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Mid-Morning with Me, Bernie "Midas Touch" Madoff

Some house cleaning, before our housekeeper turns on the f--king vacuum cleaner and distracts my thinking...

1. To John Thain: My son Mark reminded me yesterday that I always told him to mind his own business whenever he wanted to make a suggestion. He thinks that you're going to have to answer a lot of questions about what you represented to BofA before they bought Merrill, and some questions about those early bonus checks that you signed.

This is what I think: The fact that you were able to pull off that sale makes you my kind of guy. You told everyone what they wanted to hear, and you showed them what they wanted to see. That bonus thing was also a good move, text book strategy to make sure the right people stayed loyal to you.

And, the fact that you put the title of your place at 740 Park into your wife's name more than a year ago shows that you're a long-term thinker. I just hope that you have more luck with wives than my kids have. But, we're going to keep you on the sales side of the fund. When it comes to buying things, leave the market-timing to me. I'm the one with the Midas Touch.

2. To Dick Fuld: Shana and Eric think that you've shown too much lousy judgment lately, and I don't have a choice but to tell you that we're not going to bring you in for a second interview. Between your talking too much in front of Congress, and then that stunt where you transferred your $13 million house to your wife for $100, as if nobody would notice...Well, we've got a pretty disciplined compliance program here, and I'm not sure you'd be able to abide by our kind of rules.

3. To Marc Drier: If that really was you that called up on the phone last night, you need to call Ira about bail advice, not me. If you're not happy with your lawyer, Ira says that you're a schmuck and that rule #1 is to make sure you have a fraud lawyer on retainer long before the feds knock on your door. That way a bond plan can already be in place. But anyway, he says that his schedule is starting to open up; its going to take the SEC and that Mr. Prosecutor a lot longer to figure out what, if anything, they might be charging me with.

Ira has also heard that the SEC staff is getting stretched pretty thin. He's hearing that President Obama is going to re-assign people to find out what the f--k happened to all of that Fart, I mean TARP money. This new President Obama is a smart guy--after all, we're talking $350 billion that went up in smoke. That's not chopped liver!!

4. To my son, Mark-Are you kidding me??!! If you and Andy want to use the f--king plane to go on a vacation, you two can fork over the $18,000 that it costs each way. I don't know which of your mother's brokerage statements that you were looking at, but your mother and I don't have the kind of money that you think we do. As a matter of fact, until we get the MIDAS fund up and operating, we're living off of principal right now!!

Another thing, Mark. Tell those Eskimos to call Marcia Cohn--if there's any outstanding invoices for software programming, that's Marcia's job to fix. They should be happy that Hank Paulson gave them the job they got. And, tell them that Bernie Dollars have always been worth a lot more than Uncle Sam dollars.

5. To President Obama: I watched your press conference this morning on my 52" screen. You're looking great! Mazel!

Here's my advice on how to be energy efficient: before any more FART money evaporates into thin air. Bottle the gas that comes out of the mouth of Paulson, all the f--king bank lobbyists, the morons at S&P, and stick it into the the transmission lines. And the idiots that are you telling the war is almost won in Iraq. That much gas should produce at least a few billion in cost savings. Not my idea--that came from Boone Pickens. He's a smart guy. You should take his call.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 26, 2009 (boomark / email).