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Trying to keep a stiff upper lip, and not be the crazed emotional mom with the baby in the ICU, crying all the time. Yeah, trying, but haven't been largely successful. I'm relieved Cora's improving and so very thankful she made it through the surgery. But it is extremely hard having her in there. She has an incision that wraps 1/3 of the way around her body, a tube sticking out of her chest, a tube down her throat to breathe for her, a feeding tube, two different lines, and an array of monitors. She was awake for quite awhile today, looking around and moving her arms and legs. They have her on pain meds, so I don't think she hurts. But sometimes she grimaces like she wants to cry, and it breaks my heart. I can't hold her. Partly because of the chest tube, but partly because moving her causes her blood pressure to bottom out. Maybe in a couple days when they've taken out the chest tube and she's more stable. I miss holding her. And I hate that of her 3 weeks of life outside the womb, she's spent over 1/3 of it in the hospital, and counting.

Anyway, people have been very nice, bringing us food. For instance, our friend's mom made us a lasagna and brought it over tonight. It's nice to have real food, we've been eating too much junk. We did go out to dinner last night with the in-laws. It was father-in-law's birthday, and since Cora was doing well, we left during shift change and went to a British pub we like that has Guiness on tap. I heard a rumor that beer helps with lactation, so I decided to give it a go. Not sure if it really helped, but it certainly helps my nerves.

Another night in the hospital tonight. We have a sleep room reserved again. Husband keeps trying to talk me into staying home, but I can't stand the thought of her being in the hospital all by herself, even if she doesn't know I'm there.

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