Law Students

W: You?ve got to see what Joakim Noah is wearing.

M: Got the TV on, waiting to see what Noah is wearing. I assume it?s ridiculous because that dude is a clown. The talking heads are dumb. I got nothing against Tirico per se, but does he know anything about this? And Stephen A? don?t get me started. Boston is not dumb enough to give up their pick for Ray Allen, right? In a different year, maybe, but this draft is too deep. A team thinking Ray Allen is thinking immediate help only, and Boston should be looking down the road.

According to Dickie V: Oden = Ewing + Kareem + Mourning + Duncan. Let?s not shit ourselves, Dick.

But I was thinking, if Oden is the Olajuwon and Durant is the Jordan, who is the Sam Bowie? Let?s hope Seattle takes Conley at #2.

W: Funny that you say dude is a clown, he literally looks like one, right down to the bowtie. I agree completely about the talking heads. The draft was way better when it was on TNT, just like everything else bball.

If you?re the Celtics, who would you rather have, Yi Jianlian and Wally Sczerfdiadldsjfakf or Ray Allen. I know Ray Allen is getting older, but they?re not going to get anything better at 5. For all the talk of this being a deep draft, it really isn?t. Sure it?s deep at 1 and 2, but the drop after that is huge. There is no consensus #3 pick, and Mike Conley is not going to be a good pro, he wasn?t even that great a college player. Anyways, ya, if I?m Boston, I actually make that trade.

Oh yeah, and Oden might be the Bowie of this draft. Of course, he might be the then Akeem, but he might not. The only sure thing in this draft is Durant. Dude can ball. That being said, I still take Oden #1.

According to Jim Gray, Warriors in the KG Mix!

M: Just saw Noah ? not as ridiculous as I expected but yeah, he looked like my tax professor, which I do not mean as a compliment.

Oh, I thought consensus was this is a shallow draft and I was being a visionary calling it deep. It?s certainly the deepest since LeBron/Melo/Wade/Bosh and it could be deeper, maybe not in magnitude of stardom but definitely in number of decent players. Maybe I just like this crop better because college ball seemed to be so great this last year. I?ll go out on a limb and say this: GS will get a better player with 18 this year than they did with 10 last year. Beyond that, hell, I don?t know. You know a LOT more about this than I do. If you say Oden = Bowie, I?ll believe it, but how do you then make the admission that you'd take him over a sure thing in Durant? I know: you?re supposed take the big dude, but a sure thing vs a maybe thing = sure thing. Unless he can?t bench 100 pounds.

By the way, Jim Gray is a monumental asshole.

Also not as fond of Stern as I was a few months ago.

Okay, here goes? Blazers on the clock, beeeeeeeyotch!

W: The reason I say Oden may be Bowie was because Bowie was a ?must take? the same way that Oden is. Bowie was a big, strong player who had to be taken over the perimeter player. Unfortunately for the Blazers, it turns out that Bowie was no Hakeem.

Oden on the other hand, at worst, will be Ben Wallace, and at best, will be Hakeem.

M: This is hilarious: Mark Jackson?s assessment for Portland: ?Needs a quality shooter.? Huh? too bad JJ Redick isn?t in this year?s draft. Then they could take him over GREG FREAKING ODEN.

W: Haha. Take Chris Humphrey!

M: Seriously, did Jackson get paid for assessing that?

W: Or better yet, Nicky Faz?.too soon?

M: too soon.

BLAZERS SELECT GREG ODEN

W: Great Oden?s Raven!

M: Man, they?re going to regret not taking a shooter. What about that redheaded freshman from Arizona?

W: They?ll have to wait til next year for Chase Budinger. They could always trade Oden straight up for Kyle Korver, but then again, Billy King might not go for that.

Should we be live blogging this?

W: You can?t teach 7 feet?just ask Shawn Bradley

M: If 7 feet doesn?t translate into wins in the national basketball association, I don?t know what does.

M: So glad Stu Scott is on the case.

M: Man, Oden looks ugly in that Blazers hat.

W: About as ugly as Bill Russell?s older brother.

CELTICS TRADE DELONTE WEST AND #5 PICK FOR RAY ALLEN

M: Congratulations, Danny Ainge agrees with you.

W: Too soon.

M: This is going to be a Bron and Melo situation with Oden carrying the greater hype-burden but Durant getting to the playoffs first.

W: No way Seattle makes the playoffs this year. No way the Blazers make it either, but I think Oden will get there first. Seattle is terrible.

M: For either one to make the playoffs EVER there needs to be a pretty serious dropoff in the West. Like an exodus of the entire all star team to the eastern conf.

SONICS PICK KEVIN DURANT

W: Wow, Durant is from Suitland, yet he?s wearing a pink shirt with his suit. You?d think they?d teach him better in Suitland

M: Nice.

Mike Tirico: whitest black man since Bryant Gumbel?

W: If Wayne Brady makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcom X, what does that mean for Mike Tirico?

M: That?s tough. Louis Farrakhan fits in here somehwere.

W: Chaka Khan? The original, not the singer.

W: What are the chances Atlanta trades this pick for Shareef Abdur Rahim again?

M: That?s the best joke yet!

W: Thanks Jay Bilas, it?s good to know that great range includes 3 point range

M: Oh man, I can?t even deal with the inanity of the audio.

HAWKS PICK AL HORFORD

M: AL HORFORD IS DOMINICAN?!?! He should have played baseball.

W: How do you mention other Dominicans and leave out their father, Big Papi?

M: Dare I say it? Atlanta may have just made a smart drafting move by taking Horford there. (Gulp.)

W: Third player in a row with ?good feet? according to Jay Bilas.

Yeah, I think he?s a good #3 pick. It?s a shame that they took Shelden Williams last year instead of?.anyone else.

M: Don?t hate on the Landlord. At least he started for his college team. Unlike Marvin Williams.

GRIZZLIES PICK MIKE CONLEY, JR.

M: Conley: not going to tip any playoff scales for Memphis.

W: Conley = Tony Parker light

M: Yeah, Tony Parker real fucking light. Like Tony Parker invisible. Like you won?t see him on the court. Conley has been dishing assists to Oden since 7^th grade. Think there is going to be a dropoff?

M: She just asked Mike Conley?s Dad when Mike Conley junior stopped being Mike Conley?s son and he (Mike Conley senior) became Mike Conley junior?s dad.

W: Really, it was only 2 years ago that you became his dad?

M: There?s so much ?journalism? going on right now that I can?t even handle it.

M: Nothing like a 6 foot freshman to put your team over the top.

W: Seriously. He still isn?t a starter on Memphis behind Mighty Mouse and Bobby Jackson.

CELTICS (FOR SONICS) PICK JEFF GREEN

M: Does Green even put on a Celtics hat here?

W: Yeah, he has to. Sort of dumb though

M: ?And he did. That?s such a fucking charade. Is he going to talk about ?helping bring a championship back to Boston?? I love that shit.

W: Does Seattle just realize they drafted two players in the top 5 who play the same position?

M: I wish Noah and Brewer could both end up on the same team. And that team was in Europe.

W: Noah to Charlotte. They have a knack for taking college stars.

M: Who?s this Marc Gasol? Is he who I think he is?

W: I think so. How many Gasols are there in Spain, doesn?t seem like a very Spanish name.

M: New commercial with Tim Duncan sloughing off the credit for San Antonio?s success. Way to shake that superstar mantle, Timmy. You?re as exciting as a stale bagel.

W: Yi in Milwaukee! Please please let it happen. Robin Yount, Matt Riley, Yi Jianlin.

BUCKS PICK YI JIANLIAN

M: Wonder how his feet are. They?re probably size 26. Does that make them good? I guess we?ll have to wait and see.

M: Someone just said Yi Jianlian = 50 CENT! Top that, Bilas! I dare you.

W: Stern looks pissed about this.

M: Stern looks pissed about everything. But you?re right. It?s like he just sucked a lemon before announcing that pick.

M: Think he?ll be conspicuous in Milwaukee? A seven and a half foot tall Chinese guy?

W: I hear they have great Dim Sum in Milwaukee, Yi should fit right in

M: You know what I love? A slow guy who has never played against anybody in America. There?s a recipe for success.

W: I hear Guandong is lovely this time of year, reminiscent of Milwaukee.

M: Ah, China? we hardly knew Yi.

W: Man, this is soooo great

M: I?m laughing so hard right now. I want to hear Yi say ?Milwaukee?

M: Yi wears Sean John. According to Stu Scott, that means he?s toally assimilated to America. Yi?s been in Amercia for 5 minutes and he?s already been associated with 50 Cent and Diddy. That?s the American dream, baby.

W: Wow, Tirico has friends at CNBC? I wonder if Jim Cramer is yelling sell right now.

M: Uh, you?re stepping out of bounds there, dude. I know who Cramer is, but barely.

M: Tirico can?t say ?Jianlian.? He keeps saying Jee-ann Lee-ann, which doesn?t sound right to me.

W: Minnesota might try to take Brandon Roy here again.

W: Jay Bilas goes out on a limb, saying he?d trust his dad.

TIMBERWOLVES PICK COREY BREWER

M: Man you?re killing Bilas today. There goes Brewer. He?s in for a culture shock when he gets to Minnesota.

W: Noah didn?t look too happy for his boy there.

M: Well, Noah?s sad because he?s never heard of Minnesota and he?s not sure he?ll ever see Corey again.

W: Does he need to get a work visa to go to Minnesota?

M: Once KG leaves, Brewer will be the only black person there.

W: Don?t forget my boy Torriiiiii Hunter. Noah?s mustache is Morrisonesque.

M: Hmmm, they say Brewer ?needs to improve: strength.? I think at 6?8? 185, he could afford to improve ?weight.?

M: Love the Florida montage to the tune of All American Rejects. Was that on purpose?!

W: I hope Jordan takes Noah, then taunts him and calls him a pussy like he did to Kwame

M: Listen, Noah may be a woman, but he?s no pussy.

M: ?Charlotte has undergone a lot of change?? Have they had time to undergo a lot of change? How long have they even existed?

W: I just realized Brandan Wright is still available. Would make sense here next to Okafor.

M: Oh man, Brandan Wright is awesome.

W: Yes, he?s awesome, but he plays about as hard as I?m studying right now.

M: Him and Rudy Gay? which incidentally sums up my community property lecture today.

BOBCATS PICK BRANDAN WRIGHT

W: Bilas, you make it too easy. He runs like a deer, really? A deer? Then why didn?t the Bucks draft him?

M: Wow, Wright just got there and the first time he opens his mouth, he trash-talks Jordan. This is going to go well.

W: Awesome. Love how Wright just called out Jordan?Jordan?s going to take his first pay check in a game of HORSE

M: I really hope not to see Noah in Bulls Red. What a waste of NY?s pick that would be.

W: Noah?s pulling a Leinart here

M: Stephen A just mentioned someone considering taking on Zach Randolph and his $60MM contract. There?s a good idea. I bet Isiah jumped right on the phone when he heard that.

BULLS PICK JOAKIM NOAH

M: The son of a French musician. This guy can?t miss as a pro.

W: I love it, Noah has the best hair in Chicago since Dennis Rodman

M: Bilas: rather have a guy that hates to lose than a guy that loves to win. Jay, I?ll hedge and take a guy who both hates to lose AND loves to win.

W: Between Noah and Ben Wallace, the Bulls may never score a point in the paint

M: Man, looked like Stern was really slurping on Noah there. Think he was asking for his mom?s number?

W: That would be a crafty move.

W: I can?t believe Noah is this subdued.

M: Imagine if he had pulled an Aaron Rodgers instead of a Leinart. Then you'd see subdued. Similarly, imagine him posting up Kevin Garnett. Then you?ll see subdued.

M: Noah just thanked Mr. Green. Who the fuck is Mr. Green? Is this a snuffleupagus situation?

W: I think he was shouting out to Mr. Green on the Forty-Deuce. That was the most disappointing interview ever. I was counting on Noah to go nuts.

W: [Commercial where Kevin Durant blows by Gilbert Arenas] Wow, this commercial?too soon

M: Yeah, like literally? too soon.

KINGS PICK SPENCER HAWES

M: Hawes? interesting.

W: Awesome! Spencer Hawes is the next Todd Fuller. I love that he?s going to Sacto

M: But was Todd Fuller a FRESHMAN seven-footer? Oh, never mind, it?s cool, Bilas says he has good feet.

W: Tell me, where does he play after Brad Miller takes his lunch money

M: They?re moving Miller out to 2 guard since he?s their best shooter

W: Better yet, where does he go after Ron Artest does anything to him

M: Hawes has a ?God bless George W Bush sticker? on his car. Have fun in Northern California, Spencer.

W: Another reason to knock Hawes?God Bless George Bush bumper sticker. He?s making it too easy to reignite my hatred for the Kings.

W: I really hope the Hawks pass on Acie Law, that?d be so great

HAWKS PICK ACIE LAW IV

M: They picked the Law and? the Law lost.

W: And Snoop Dogg?err Acie Law III rejoices

M: I was really hoping to type: they passed the Law and the Law won. But what are ya gonna do?

W: What family goes with the name Acie 4 times in a row? There?s got to be something better.

M: True, Acie is really only good once. Then they should have gone Deucie, Treycie, and? Foursy. Ah, I see why they stuck with Acie.

W: I think Atlanta just ripped off the Louisville Cardinals logo.

M: Acie wasn?t allowed to shoot as a kid. That?s just cruel. Is Tiger not going to let his daughter putt?

M: WHAT?! Philly TRADED IVERSON?!?!?! How come I never heard about this? Oh, never mind, I did. Six months ago.

W: What are the chances that Billy King takes an unestablished, freshman college player with a lot of upside here? 100%? 200%?

M: Dude, it?s like you?re channeling Bill Simmons here.

W: ?The Sixers should go big?? You mean you?re not going to give no love to Shavlik ?I hate gay people? Randolph?

M: Over/under for number of weeks until a commercial starring Yi and Yao comes out that consists substantially of making fun of their names? I?m setting it at 7.

W: I?ll take the over +350

76ERS PICK THADDEUS YOUNG

M: There goes your boy Thad.

W: I believe I had that one.

M: Yeah, good call on the ?project? player.

W: Yeah, he would have been good, now lets see Thornton and Wright drop!

M: Thaddeus Young ? must improve: ?basketball?

M: By the way, damn you for emailing me. I would have gotten so much work done by now.

W: Sorry man, but it?s a good time to take a break. Hell, if J.O. can go to Vegas for the weekend, you can watch the draft. It?s about the equivalent.

M: It would be the equivalent of Vegas if the players all showed up to the draft with guns.

M: And of course, if they were making it rain.

M: That Durant/Arenas commercial touts Agent Zero as the player who is going to? defensively shut Durant down? Wha?

W: Yeah, a little odd, though I would put money on the fact that Arenas weighs more

M: No wonder the Hawks are terrible. GM Billy Knight looks like he?s been locked in a time capsule since they signed Dominique Wilkins.

W: Billy! The camera is up here!

M: My face hurts from laughing.

HORNETS PICK JULIAN WRIGHT

M: This is a shocker! David Stern can?t pronounce ?New Orleans!?

W: Damn it all. I hope something terrible happens to New Orleans?.ah nevermind

M: Yeah, a little too soon.

W: Hey Jay, does he need to improve his shot?

M: Well, I?ll tell you the number one thing about Wright. It?s his feet.

M: The Hornets pick Julian Wright. For analysis, let?s go over to?. Dick Vitale?okaaaay, never mind. Over to Jay Bilas?. Dammit! Camera two! Camera two! Do we have anyone else?!

W: Julian is about as easy to understand as Yi

M: Yeah, too bad they can?t be on the same team so they could share a dialect coach.

W: Can we get Elgin Baylor a reserved ticket to the lottery for next year?

M: Well, they?re definitely going to rig the top pick in favor of the East next year right. Of course, if there was any year to do that, it should have been this year.

W: Key reserves: Shaun Livingston?s leg.

CLIPPERS PICK AL THORNTON

M: D?oh!

W: Damn.

M: Don?t sweat it buddy. He?s a Seminole. He would have started fights in the Oracle parking lot.

W: He?s the best looking Seminole since Sam Cassell

M: Yeah, he?s at least as handsome as Cassell. And sounds like he got the same quality education.

W: At this point, please, anyone but McRoberts

M: Oh my god, can you imagine? Talk about a Todd Fuller flashback.

W: Wow, his mom?s name is Philomenia, that sounds toxic.

M: According to Tirico, the ?Pistons want to stay in a relationship with one another.? Huh? What does that even mean?

PISTONS PICK RODNEY STUCKEY

W: With the #15 pick in the NBA Draft, the Detroit Pistons select, this inanimate carbon rod!

W: Phrase of the night from Mark Jackson: ?being exited? as in the Pistons being exited from the playoffs.

WIZARDS SELECT NICK YOUNG

M: Is he related to Thaddeus?

W: From USC to downtown DC, he won?t miss a beat.

M: Nice. Got to love Stu Scott: in the happiest moment of Nick Young?s life, Stu asks him about his brother being murdered.

W: Stu Scott, he?s all class?.and crazy glass eye

W: Wow, this is the greatest trade ever. Zach Randolph to the Knicks, a more perfect ending could not have been written.

M: I?m stunned beyond silence by the Randolph move. Who?s next for Isiah? J.R. Ryder? Maybe Xavier McDaniel? Derrick Coleman! No wait?Len Bias! Sign Len Bias!

Too soon?

W: Yes, too soon.

W: It?s a shame that Isaiah didn?t grab Darius Miles too when he had the Blazers on the phone.

M: Aw man, I was just typing that joke!

W: That?s right, son! (Assad voice)

WARRIORS ON THE CLOCK!

M: Where do you go from Randolph and Miles? Mike Tyson?

W: Mike Tyson may be a step too high. Perhaps Mike Vick.

M: Split the difference: Marcus Vick.

M: Why does Dwy-ane want to be in the Chuckster?s five so bad anyway?

M: Tirico acting like he?s down with GS. Like he doesn?t have a bodyguard when he goes to Oakland for Raider games.

WARRIORS PICK MARCO BELINELLI

M: Belinelli? Cuz it rhymes with Nellie? I don?t get it!

W: He can shoot, but so can Jasickevicius.

M: Yeah, I don?t see where he fits. Sarunas doesn?t set foot on the floor ? there?s no way this guy is.

W: Nice, dropped 25 in 28 minutes against team USA, too bad he won?t play.

M: Been pro since age 16? High mileage for a 21-year-old. But I loved the Brent Barry/ Vinnie Del Negro analogy they made right there.

W: He actually looks like the illegitimate child of Barry and Del Negro

W: I think Nellie is still looking to replace Sarunas Marcilonous, doesn?t he know that you only get one true love?

M: Here?s where LAL cements Kobe?s future in LA by picking?. Nick Fazekas!

W: These cheese doodles are the greatest snack ever!

M: I would draft Tiago Splitter on name alone.

LAKERS PICK JAVARIS CRITTENTON

W: Sure Tiago Splitter is a good name, but when you can dub a guy ?Chicken Dinner? you go with Chittendan.

M: Crittendon ain?t getting it done. Why do they need another PG?

M: What is Dick Vitale talking about?! Did they pull the wrong string on his back right before they cut to him?

W: Stephen A. and Vitale are trying to out-yell and out-idiot each other

W: Wow, how would you like to be a chair at that dinner party?

M: News Flash, ESPN. A guy hitting 500 HRs is not ?history? anymore.

HEAT PICK JASON SMITH

M: Colorado State has a basketball team?

W: Jason Smith, welcome to the NBA. For your first chore, please take Shaq?s elbow in your face during practice.

M: Bilas: the big question mark for me with Jason Smith is - Why didn?t his team win more often?
Um, maybe cuz he played for COLORADO STATE.

W: [Jim Gray to interview Mitch Kupchak] I can already tell this interview is going to be great.

M: Hey, do you think Mitch wants to talk about Kobe?

M: Jim Gray: Mitch, why did you bet on baseball? Why did you do it?! (too obscure?)

W: Telegram for Mitch Kuptchak!

***Mitch STOP. You?re fired! STOP

M: That?s a beauty.

W: That was awesomely painful.

M: Stephen A: Has the Buss family gotten in the way of Mitch doing his job?

M: Has the Bidwell family gotten in the way of the Cardinals winning football games?

W: Nicely done.

W: Rod Thorn looks like a law professor.

M: Sounds like a Bar/Bri lecturer too.

M: Know what?s funny? This guy works for Jay-Z.

W: That?s beautiful. HOVA!

M: Hey, is there anyone left from UNC that Charlotte can draft?

W: Reyshawn Terry, baby.

M: Do you think Charlotte knows that the draft rules allow them to go beyond state lines?

W: It?s going to be hilarious if they take McRoberts. He?d be the perfect wrong pick here.

M: Come on? someone pick Tiago Splitter. I want to see this guy.

BOBCATS PICK JARED DUDLEY

M: That?s a lot of ACC players on one team. I?m sort of disappointed they went out of state though.

W: Man, I?m disappointed they didn?t take McRoberts. Maybe the Knicks can help me out and take that loser.

M: The Knicks on the clock! ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy!

W: Why is David Lee there? Does he think he gets to go back on stage?

M: Spike Lee speaking for the Knicks is like Ben Affleck speaking for the Red Sox.

M: They should have just made Spike Lee the GM so he could defend Renaldo Balkman some more.

M: Clue #1: Stephen A loves the Randolph move.

KNICKS PICK WILSON CHANDLER

M: That?s out of left field right there.

M: And the fans boo lustily. They?re getting him adapted to the Knicks nice and quick.

M: Stu Scott: How did it feel just now when they booed the shit out of you?

Chandler: It?s a great opportunity.

W: Is it too late to trade down with the Suns? Marco Bellinelli for 24, and draft Derrick Byars?

M: I have to go now. I think this little game is over for me. Oh, but look at Portland making a move!

W: Wow, Portland straight bought the pick. That?s gangsta.

Full post as published by The Present Tense on June 29, 2007 (boomark / email).