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The thrown bra vs. the mortgage

By kellyfair

My friend was helping her mom pick out a wedding dress, which I imagine is an odd experience. Things just aren't as simple as they used to be, are they? Thank God. I'd shoot myself or at least be drunk 24/7 - if I had to live in some "Leave it to Beaver" world. Anyway, my friend was telling me her mom has some specific ideas and has dreamed of her wedding since she was a kid. This interests me. The wedding march has, historically, made my heart freeze with fear and my stomach turn over trying to run like a crackhead with cops behind him.

In short, I've long struggled with a fear of committmment. About a year ago I started realizing I was thinking of my relationship as in it for the long haul, with all the smelly stuff of daily life, had a heart attack and completely freaked out. In the past year, however, I've given this quite a bit of thought.

I've come to the conclusion that there are several types of lesbians. 1.)One is the drama queen who is in love at first bite and wants nothing more than someone to complete her. They carry invisible signs that say "Run! Am freak! Run!!" but not everyone sees those signs, which leads to much drama and sometimes, restraining orders. 2.)Then there are the ones who secretly long to be completed and deep down suspect the right girl will do that for them but will not admit this. These lesbians drink a lot. 3.)Then there are those who attempt to be in control of what happens in their relationships, thinking this will somehow protect them from having their heart broken. These lesbians do a lot of pushups and have the emotional range of a stick. 4.) Then there are those who read a lot of feminist literature and listen to shitty music by chicks who need guitar lessons. These lesbians are not as deep as they seem or wish they were. The list goes on.

There are also those of us who are just afraid of missing out on something and take a long time to realize that it is that very fear that makes us miss out on so much. This is what I be. Eventually, this is the type who feels the fear and commits anyway. OK, so there are lots of flirtations that won't lead to , um, thrown bras and anxious phone calls. But what is that in comparison to making the decision to have a kid together? To finally accepting she won't clean until you make her and noticing she got your favorite fruit at the grocery store? And you still get your bra thrown, but it is in a room you paid the mortgage on together. The terror of letting yourself plan to love someone really is a terror all its own. Year after year, it changes, as the stupid things of daily life get washed and break and get paid and shed and fall and smell and come off of ebay. And as it changes, it gets easier in some ways, and in some ways, becomes a lot harder, because you have to become more and more real with every turn.
As for me, after 3 1/2 years, multiple freakouts, 24 mortgage payments, two new kittens, 12 pairs of socks, 50 pounds of tofu, 126 sushi dinners, 6 colds, 3 years of law school, 8 broken glasses, 4 Christmases and 17 stupid fights later, I am here, making a committment every day to be here tomorrow. It's the best terror I've ever known. I'd recommend it to the drunk and otherwise problematic lesbians. Really, you're worth it, and so is she.

Full post as published by caligulawyer on January 18, 2008 (boomark / email).