Public Defense

Yes, America, we?re embarrassed too

By Gideon

It's 9pm. Do you know what's in your mystery bag?

It is now 8:28pm on Thursday evening, a full 48 hours after polls closed in every single damn State in the country. While the dust has settled everywhere and prognostications for the future of the country have reached their peak and then subsided, we here in Connecticut are glued to our internets and our moving pictures boxes, because the bureaucracy of the state is entangled in an epic battle against that most formidable of nemeses: simple arithmetic.

The full extent of the buffoonery that has occurred over the last two days isn’t apparent until we create a timeline:

Tuesday November 2nd:

• 2pm: Bridgeport runs out of ballots
• Bridgeport is told to photocopy ballots
• 4-6pm?: Bridgeport gets new ballots
• 7-8pm: SOTS gets a court order permitting Bridgeport polling stations to stay open till 10pm
• 8pm: polls close statewide except Bridgeport
• 10pm: polls close in Bridgeport
• 8-11pm: Returns trickle in from most towns, Foley takes sizeable lead. Still nothing from B’port, New Haven, Hartford, Stamford
• 11:30pm: Gideon goes to bed depressed

Wednesday, November 3rd:

• 6:30am: Gideon wakes up, after dreams of having to say Governor Foley.
• 7:00am: Twitter announces that Bridgeport numbers should be in shortly and that Malloy has cut Foley’s lead down to 12,000 votes
• Everyone sits on their hands all day as magic stuff goes on in Bridgeport (i.e. people add up numbers)
• Post noon, Susan Bysiewicz (yeah, her. She’s still SOTS) makes an “unofficial” announcement that Dan Malloy has won by 3,103 – an awfully specific number if you ask me.
• 1:30pm: Tom Foley calls into a radio show on which Bysiewicz is a guest and gets into a pissing match with her and maintains that his numbers have him winning. Obviously.
• 2-4pm: More handwringing, political posturing and all-around cluelessness. Bridgeport is apparently still counting. Or something.
• 4:00pm: Dan Malloy exhibits staggering hubris and holds a press conference at the State Capitol announcing his “transition team”.
• 4:05pm: The rest of the state experiences an awkward pause.
• 4pm-7pm (I don’t know the exact time, I was drinking): The venerable Associated Press “withdraws” its call that Malloy is the winner.
• 4pm-7pm: The press goes apoplectic. People run around like confused chickens. The world teeters on the edge of ending.
• 4pm-overnight: One or two sane people keep trying to point out that the AP has neglected to update its New Haven tallies, which result in a net gain of 10K or so votes for Malloy. No one notices, because “AP WITHDRAWS CALL” is a better headline than “AP CAN’T DO MATH”. Bridgeport still counting.
• 6pm: The statutory deadline for certifying vote tallies by town Registrars passes. Bridgeport still counting. Or sleeping. Or smoking joints. Who the fuck knows at this point.
• All day: Math eludes us all. Connecticut still does not have a Governor-elect.

Thursday, November 4th:

• 10-11am: The AP, having obtained eyeglasses and a calculator, realizes what anyone with half a brain already knew: its New Haven numbers are wrong and now redeclares Malloy the winner.
• 10-11am: Tom Foley shakes his head like the Aflac duck.
• 10-11am: SOTS Bysiewicz (yes, still her) announces a noon press conference to give us the “final official” results.
• All day: Bridgeport has disappeared into a black hole.
• Noon: SOTS pushes back the presser to 3pm.
• 3pm: SOTS gives an “unofficial” press conference at which she says, Bridgeport just started counting at 2pm.
• 2pm: Bridgeport is not counting.
• 3pm: Bridgeport starts counting – officially. Or something.
• 3:05pm: Bridgeport gets tired of counting and takes a break.
• 3-6pm: Bridgeport manages to count votes from 6 out of 24 polling places. Their excuse is their pencils broke.
• 6pm: A MYSTERY BAG OF UNCOUNTED BALLOTS IS FOUND. It may contain FAIL or Vince’s WWE Swag or our collective dignity. No one looks inside to check.
• 6pm: The world almost ends. Again.
• 6pm: Foley wants the cops to take control of the bag. Because apparently the bag contains the 20,000 Republican votes cast in heavily Democratic Bridgeport.
• 6pm: The cops are like “whaa?”
• 6pm: No one bothers to ask how many ballots are in the bag.
• 6pm: Bridgeport is no longer counting, because they have to go home and do more important things.
• 6:30pm: SOTS says Bridgeport went home and so counting will resume tomorrow. Estimates votes will be counted in time for real end of the world in 2012.
• 7pm: Someone looks inside the MYSTERY BAG and finds a whopping 360 ballots.
• 7pm: Someone looks inside the MYSTERY BAG and finds a whopping 360 ballots.
• 7pm: All Republicans in the State cry “ELECTION FRAUD”.
• 7pm-9pm: The rest of us kill ourselves out of embarrassment.
• [Bonus flashback timeline: Tuesday 11pm: worker in charge of bag of 360 ballots says "Fuck it, I got shit to do" and leaves, leaving the bag uncounted".]

So yes, America. We’re damn embarrassed too. Wouldn’t you be?

[For a less profane, more coherent post recapping the above, which has sentences strung together into paragraphs and not the lazy shit I did above, see this tremendous piece by the good folks at New Haven Independent and CT News Junkie.]

And lastly, for the enterprising among you, via Colin Samuels:

1. Create “I sent my candidate to Bridgeport and all I got was this lousy bag-o-fail-and-swag” tote bag.
2. ?????
3. PROFIT!!!

?

Full post as published by A Public Defender on November 04, 2010 (boomark / email).