Miscellaneous

Dear Norris,

It's amazing to think you joined our household way back in 1998.  You have added so much to our lives and I love you dearly, which is why I think you won't mind this candid note. 

I don't remember how old ten years is in dog years, but I'm willing to accept that, if you were a person, you'd probably be wearing Depends.  That's why I let you outside all the time, particularly right before I leave the house for a couple of hours.  That's also why I keep track when you poo right before I leave the house for a couple of hours, because for those few short hours, I don't have to worry about the state of the carpet when I return.  So imagine my surprise to find dog poo on the carpet (that I had just cleaned last week) when I returned.  The blood and torn off nail just made it even nicer.  (Although I do have to admit you had me thinking you attacked a would-be burglar before I found the nail.)  Still, it's always nice to have another reason to be glad that we own a carpet cleaning machine. 

Love,
Alpha Mom

***
Dear Former Friend,

Thanks for the snippy email over the weekend.  I have to admit that I was a bit surprised by your tone, considering that you haven't had the courtesy to tell me that you were upset with me.  Fortunately, my philosophy about such things is that if it's not worth telling me there's a problem, it's not worth my having to care.   Anyway, it was great that you sent the email when I had a bit of free time, because it gave me the opportunity to send it to my girlfriends, asking their opinion of your correspondence.   The outpouring of support was incredible and  affirming, and one of them invited me over for dinner that night. I had the most amazing food: spinach and pea soup, homemade bread, poached halibut, and two awesome wines.  I suspect I owe the dinner entirely to your narcissistic rant, and for that, I thank you. 

Love,
The Real Good Twin