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I turned 50 two years ago. Which means that, two years ago, I should have gotten a colonoscopy. This morning I finally got it done. I?m here to talk about the two reasons I put it off for so long and why both reasons turned out to be false.

I knew, of course, that colorectal cancer is a killer, and that a colonoscopy can detect any problem while the problem is still eminently curable. So getting ?scoped as soon as you turn 50 should be a no-brainer. I postponed mine for two years because (a) I feared that the preparation?emptying my intestines?would be as unpleasant as the worst and most prolonged diarrhea I?d ever experience; and (b) as a guy, I?m uneasy about someone pyrooting way inside my bunghole. As it turned out, both fears were unfounded.

The preparation turned out to be easy. Yesterday I was on a clear-liquid diet. In the afternoon, I had a gallon of solution to drink. I imagined that I?d find myself making several mad dashes to the bathroom before my bowels exploded, and once I got there, I?d be as miserable as every time I was sick with diarrhea.

The truth is that, unlike having diarrhea, I wasn?t sick. Therefore, all the unpleasantness that comes from being sick wasn?t there. When I had to go, I walked (not ran) to the bathroom. What I passed was more liquid than solid. That?s it. No exploding bowels. None of the misery that I normally associate with having diarrhea, because I wasn?t sick. Nothing to it.

As for the procedure itself, any unpleasantness associated with that was alleviated by some wonder drugs. In my case, intravenous Versed and a pain medication starting with the letter F (I don?t remember the exact name). The combination of these drugs had (and, 11 hours later is still having) some interesting effects. I never felt lightheaded, drunk, or knocked out. In fact, I didn?t feel much of anything. I have no idea how long the procedure took. I don?t know whether I dozed off, but the time seemed to go by very quickly. I?m sure the doctor was pyrooting around in there with the ?scope, but either I didn?t feel a thing or I have no memory of having felt a thing. It was like this: they injected the drugs in my IV, there was some activity in the room, and before I knew it, we were done.

In recovery, the good folks at Touro Infirmary brought me a full breakfast. I wasn?t expecting that, but after fasting for 36+ hours, I really appreciated it. The doctor said there were some small, benign-looking polyps that they removed?he described them as about the size of sesame seeds. I guess that was mentioned during the procedure, but I don?t remember it. Biopsy results next week, but it will be good news either way: (1) they?re benign, or (2) they?re not benign but we caught them way early. Most likely # 1, but if it?s # 2, that would still be good news.

They told me not to drive the rest of the day, due to the lingering effect of the drugs. I thought they were being over-cautious: at no point did I feel drunk or lightheaded. Nevertheless, I let Suzanne drive me home. Eleven hours later, as I write this post, I think I?ve been high all day. My mood meter has been registering 10 all day on a 1-10 scale. As much as I?d like to think that I?ve slain all my demons and healed all my psychic wounds, I?m compelled to reach one conclusion: Must be the drugs. Good thing they?re not over the counter.

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