Legal Commentary

I hope you enjoyed Super Monday. Didn't you notice? It was the Monday between Super Sunday and Super Tuesday. Super Monday! I celebrated in a traditional North Dakota fashion by eating canned foods and shivering.

Now that it's Super Tuesday, I am laying down the gauntlet and putting out my challenge to the candidates. My vote is yours to command. Just demonstrate that your candidacy is about REAL change, by doing any of the following:

When asked why you want to be president, admit that, at least part of the reason is, "Flying around on Air Force One would be kind of awesome."

Confess that, based on what you learned when you used to drive your own car and shop for your own groceries, "Frankly, at least 50% of Americans really bug me."

Go for an entire week without giving a speech in front of a backdrop that says "JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS" or "CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE" or any other sort of message wallpaper.

Have the sheer guts to show up to a debate wearing a tie that is neither red nor blue. (Ooooh, the audacity of purple!)

Pledge that, if elected, you will never embarrass this nation by wearing a "PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES" windbreaker. Believe me, if you win, people will know who you are because they've seen your face 43 million times and, not to mention, you showed up in a 32-vehicle motorcade. Here's a guideline, if wearing something would get you beat up if you were in junior high, leave it in your closet.

Admit the following: "I probably could read a bunch of books and teach myself more about [the economy, foreign policy, America's youth, etc.], but there are just some things that, honestly, I'm probably not going to get around to learning more about unless I end up watching something relevant on the History Channel. And even then, probably only if I'm watching DirectTV because I'm flying Jet Blue instead of Air Force One."