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: the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker

say hello to mr. bolt gun!

By "Nicolle"

i put this together to post on wtf_stupid, but decided to put it here as well. it's something from the onion a long time ago--i know it's at least eight and a half years old because it existed when i started college. it was a running joke among friends of mine in the dorm back then, and we posted a copy of it on the wall in the hallway, next to our "quote wall."

it's still one of my favourite things the onion has ever run, and i noticed that it's not actually in the onion archives anymore. hence, i must do my part to make sure that this little bit of humour does not disappear from Teh Interwebstubes.

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Here's our friendly little fellow, who we'll call Mr. Oink. He sure looks happy on Farmer McDoodle's pasture, where he can eat grain, scraps and concentrated hormone pellets to his heart's content. He sure is a chubby little guy, that Mr. Oink!

First, our little friend is stunned with the help of Mr. Mallet or Mr. Bolt Gun by Mr. Meat Packer. Pleasant dreams, Mr. Oink!

"Sticking" Mr. Oink severs his cartoid artery while he's still dazed! A pan is used to gather the blood for some delicious blood sausages! Mmm!

Ker-splash! Nothing like a good hot bath especially when it loosens pesky and unwanted dirt, hair and skin. Hold your nose, Mr. Oink you might be down there for a while!

Snicker-snack, how swiftly Mr. Butcher slits open Mr. Oink's belly. Bet that tickles! Now it's time to remove Mr. Oink's viscera and separate his liver. But don't throw any of it away; it'll all make the yummiest hot dogs!

Mr. Butcher then goes to work on Mr. Oink, slicing up choice parts like ribs (yummy!), chops (tasty!), loin (mmm, good!), and yes--everyone's favorite--bacon!

Mr. Oink sure likes his new home at the supermarket, but he won't be there for long! If you ask your mom nicely, maybe she'll "bring home the bacon!"

Full post as published by the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker on December 03, 2008 (boomark / email).