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Why There's No "In-Law" Tag

By Anonymous

I only use about 1% of the blogging fodder and frustration my mother-in-law provides. Part of this is out of respect for JP, though he doesn't actually care. A bigger reason is because it seems unsportsmanlike to talk about them when this blog isn't really anonymous and members of my family read it, while JP's family doesn't know it exists. The third reason is... complicated.

You see, JP has genuine grievances against his mother that I won't raise here because they aren't mine, though I do get worked up on his behalf when I think about major parts of his childhood. I, however, must admit that much of what drives me completely insane about her, comes straight from how much she loves JP and my son. So even though she does things that drive me legitimately crazy, it's coming from a twistedly good place.

For example, we are going to Washington, D.C. to visit my in-laws in about a month. Two weeks ago my mother-in-law called our house SIX times in thirty minutes, without leaving a message, between 6:30 and 7 p.m. She knows I would have just gotten home with a tired, hungry Landon, she knows I was on my own (JP was coaching), and she knows I DO NOT answer the phone before Landon goes to bed at 8. This is my time with him and I do not interrupt it; plus, I'm generally trying to make dinner with a toddler wrapped around one leg, two huge dogs running around the kitchen, and really don't have the time or attention for her 45-minute one-sided ramblings. I've explained this many times and she still calls almost every day at about 7:00. So on that day the phone rings six times, five minutes apart, and on the seventh attempt JP walks in the door to find a screaming Landon and a harried wife yelling at him to answer the phone because it's his mother and someone MUST be on their way to the hospital. So he picks up and she says, "Oh hi, I thought maybe you weren't home! I was thinking about your trip and wondered what kind of wine you want me to buy to have with dinner the first night."

WTF. He asks, are you at the wine store? Do you need to know this now? No, she says, she was just wondering. He mentions the six previous pone calls, the fact we own a message machine, and the crazy time of day and suggests that maybe this could wait until 8 when Landon goes to bed and hangs up.

Clearly, this is irritating and a little crazy. But, I know she wants this to be a good trip and she's been thinking about it and planning for months (JP hasn't been home in 3 years) and she is incapable of compartmentalizing and understanding normal social behaviors. She doesn't know what it is she does that drives people, and especially her son, crazy- it's not intentional. I know this, but oh my god, I was ready to rip someone's head off that night when the phone would not stop ringing.

If I'd had time within in hour of that little episode, I probably would have written about it. But by the time Landon had gone down to bed and I'd had a glass of wine and chatted with JP, I could put it in perspective and remember that she's trying, she really tries, in her own way, and I have an amazing life and wonderful husband-- and she lives 1,500 miles away. She also adores my son (in an almost obsessive, unhealthy way, but still, with love) and she has been a great grandmother to him.

So I don't write about her very much, and when I do, I generally feel guilty about it later. I vent frustration with JP, wine, and a healthy dose of perspective. And more wine. And a calm reflection on the happiness in my life, the wonderful things that are boundaries, and the fact that regardless of the annoying and sometimes very hurtful things my mother-in-law does (her behavior during the nightmare of October 2007 can still make me so angry I want to agree with JP and cut off all contact with them), but she gave me her son (albeit extraordinarily unwillingly) and I will forever be thankful for the gift of him in my life. Or so I remind myself over and over again.

Full post as published by Lag Liv on August 09, 2009 (boomark / email).