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Book review: The Power of a Positive No

I reviewed Getting to Yes a few years ago. The Power of a Positive No is by one of the same authors, William Ury. He refers to this book as a "prequel" because it discusses ways to assert yourself and protect your own interests, while Getting to Yes and its companion volume Getting Past No focus more on the other side in a negotiation.

Ury's premise is that "No" and "Yes" go together. Pure negativity is ineffective because even if the other side is forced to accept your "no," they may resist and the relationship is damaged. Instead, he offers a formula: "Yes! No. Yes?" It's slightly cheesy, but short and memorable.

The first "Yes!" is a yes to yourself. You are saying no because you need to. What interests are driving that "no?" Ury suggests taking a step back and questioning your underlying motivations, then distilling them down to a positive message. For instance, when someone asks you to attend a meeting, your emotional reaction may be to feel put-upon and annoyed, but you might feel like you have to say yes. If you probe a little deeper, the real reason you don't want to attend the meeting might be because you value your scarce free time and want to spend more time at home. Uncovering the reasons behind your "no" will make you better able to stand behind it, and will let the recipient understand you without feeling rejected.

The "No" is a calm and judgment-free statement, backed up by a Plan B. The Plan B gives you some power over the situation in case the behavior you are saying "no" to doesn't stop. The judgment-free part removes the temporary satisfaction of punishing the other person, but makes them far more likely to hear you out and accept what you have to say.

Ury tells an interesting story about a Zen master who waits until a student is holding a teacup to his lips, and then says, "If you drink the tea, I will beat you with this stick. If you do not drink the tea, I will beat you with this stick." The answer, he suggests, is to take away the stick. Anticipate what the person is likely to do and make an end-run to prevent possible harm.

The final "Yes?" is a constructive proposal or a positive statement of respect. This is the "Yes" in "Getting to Yes" -- turning a potentially fraught situation into a discussion of mutual benefit.

Some examples (inspired by, but not verbatim from the book) of "Yes! No. Yes?":
- "I need to spend more time with my family, so I won't be able to attend the meeting. Thanks for thinking of me, and I hope we can work together in the future."
- "Keeping my commitments is important to me. Your project is more than I can take on right now, but once I finish the current project I'm working on I would be happy to help you."
- "We need to keep you healthy. We can't have ice cream for dinner, but let's think of something fun to do as a family after dinner instead." (I'll let you know if this works in a couple of years.)

Overall, I didn't find this book as eye-opening as Getting to Yes, because delivering an assertive but still positive "no" is a skill I think most people develop with life experience. But it's always worth getting a refresher and learning some new techniques. For instance, I need to be continually reminded about the power of staying calm in emotional or stressful situations, and I appreciated the concrete tips like "going to the balcony" (imagining the situation from a distance), taking a break before acting, and if all else fails, pinching your palm as a reminder.

If you have trouble with self-assertion, this is a great book. If your reading time is limited and you want to explore a similar topic, I'd recommend Difficult Conversations (also from PON) instead for a broader discussion.

Upcoming on my negotiation reading list:
Getting Past No by William Ury
Beyond Reason by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro
Women Don't Ask by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever
Getting Disputes Resolved by William Ury, Jeanne Brett, and Stephen Goldberg (this one is for class, so it'll probably be the next one I read)

Updated to add:
I was doing some Amazon surfing and came across this book, Peeing in Peace: Tales & Tips for Type A Moms. Which reminded me of an actual "positive no" I delivered today: "Mommy is busy pooping. I can't pick you up right now. Let me wash my hands and then I'll pick you up." Yes! I am pooping. No. I refuse to poop with you on my lap. Yes? We will mutually benefit when I have my pants on and clean hands. See, this book is helping me already.

Full post as published by Magic Cookie on January 20, 2008 (boomark / email).