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Aftershocks

By Anonymous

I have several posts, half-written or entirely in my head, about the aftermath of the investigation. I'm still working through what happened- there's anger, disbelief, gratitude, exhaustion, and outrage- and they all present themselves in varying degrees at different times. The vast majority of the time, I don't feel much of anything. We live our full and busy lives with Landon, and DCFS has no place in it. But sometimes the emotional aftershocks almost knock me down. My therapist compared my feelings to PTSD- JP and I both have nightmares and there are triggers that immediately bring me back to the darkest days. Last week, Landon took a nap on the exam table while we were waiting for the doctor. I was sitting with an arm on each side of him and when I lifted up one hand to check my watch, I had a clear vision of him rolling off the table and no one believing my story. It was a moment of complete panic. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding, and I could see myself trying to explain what happened to faces that had already made up their mind. I wonder how long things like that will happen- that an injury to my child will not make me first worry for them, but instead make me worry that they will be taken away.

The first post in this series will be about gratitude. It's the easiest to write as it's an emotion I had experience with before October. Future posts will probably appear at random- intruding in this blog about shoes, law school, and Landon the way they intrude inside me. I heal through the writing of them- like there's an emotional checklist and every time I address one, the dark memories fade even more.

Full post as published by Lag Liv on January 06, 2008 (boomark / email).