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Bar Exams

: A Season of Mists

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Dating strikes me as a supremely unbalanced equation. On the one hand, I am incredibly ill at ease. Just completely awkward and unconfident. So uncertain of myself and my actions that I think them through, rethink them and give 'em one more pass for good measure. Probably a lack of dating experience coupled with me. On the other hand, while dating you are supposed to project confidence and strength. The occasional vulnerability is permitted, but nothing too serious or significant, at least in the beginning.

So as I type replies to this girl, and as she replies to me, I constantly reread what I write, dissect and edit it. I wonder if and when she'll reply. I wonder if she's wondering half of what I am. I can blink my eyes and picture 1000 different scenarios, 99.9% of which will not come to pass. Which one is this one?

What's mildly interesting in this case, and serves as the basis for this verbalizing, is that I get the nagging sense that she's mirroring some of this. Her replies are relatively quick and consistent. I sense a bit of mirroring from what I write, and I am trying to do the same back. She signs her messages with phrases like "Hope to hear from you soon" and "Hope you're having a nice Friday." An innocuous sentiment in its own right, but not a customary one from my (very limited) experience with online dating/communication.

Thus, the balance between insecurity and confidence is in mind. Not to mention I'm otherwise insecure about quite a few things, which obviously does not help at all. So I ponder and overthink and overanalyze and wonder (and wait).

Full post as published by A Season of Mists on June 25, 2010 (boomark / email).

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