Family Law

Guest Post :: Beyond Love - Ensuring a Successful Marriage

By J. Benjamin Stevens

Valentine's Day was earlier this week, and I am pleased to publish the following Guest Post from Kitty Holman, which I hope my readers find helpful in their marriages:

Therapists, long-time married couples, and anyone who offers to put their two cents in about what constitutes a successful marriage all come from different perspectives. Marriage counselors give their services based on their experience with troubled marriage and their training in psychotherapy, while successfully married couples base their theories on their own personal experiences. While the very definition of a successful marriage is constantly in flux, approaching a marriage from different perspectives will enable your partnership to last longer. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

For one, the traditional idea behind marriage in a modern society like the United States, is that one embarks on the whole project because you are in love with each other. You have the initial crazy feelings for one another, you begin the dating process, and even though you are no longer madly in love, you have enough in common – shared feelings, values, and general attraction – that you commit to living with and supporting each other for life. In other countries and past centuries, marriage was more of a social, and one could say, financial contract. This idea of marriage, one that is much more pragmatic, has become very foreign to those of us who view marriage as springing forth from love.

While a marriage may be founded on love, keeping a marriage going is more about a commitment to the contract than a commitment to idealistic notions of love. While some may argue this point, commitment is the logical bedrock of marriage because the feelings we ascribe to love are often fleeting. A marriage's longevity depends on making compromises, on arguing only within a certain limit--the limit being absolute commitment.

Of course, commitment is much easier said than done, and there will be countless times when you feel as though you've made a mistake. Whether it's your partner's actions or your own, the full weight of a life long commitment begins to bear down on you. Another way to think of what ensures a successful marriage is to figure out what would make a commitment more appealing. Scientists have begun researching what brings stability to marriages, and some of the latest research was outlined in a New York Times article published last year. Researcher Arthur Aron, a psychologist, notes that self-expansion could be a key ingredient in a successful marriage. Aron notes:

We enter relationships because the other person becomes part of ourselves, and that expands us. That's why people who fall in love stay up all night talking and it feels really exciting. We think couples can get some of that back by doing challenging and exciting things together.

So instead of focusing on ideal notions of love or your partner, acceptance for who your partner is, a desire to continue expanding the horizons of your possibilities with one another, and, above all, a sustained commitment, is what'll keep your marriage stable.

This guest contribution was submitted by Kitty Holman, who specializes in writing about nursing colleges. Questions and comments can be sent to: kitty.holman20@gmail.com.

Full post as published by SC Family Law Blog on February 16, 2011 (boomark / email).