Intellectual Property Law

Soothing sounds, calming light, heartwarming stories about security screeners and x-ray machines that can see the business you keep under your clothes -- all of these are coming to an airport near you soon thanks to a total makeover of airport security lines planned by the Transportation Security Administration.

The TSA's Checkpoint Evolution project aims to soothe passengers in the screening line with "ambient music,"  described as specially chosen to be "not too melodic, not too rhythmic," 

Light panels complement the screening muzak by emitting colors in the "cooler end" of the spectrum.

While being calmed in line, passengers can read stories about the security officers, which the TSA hopes will "put a face on and show the personal side of our screeners."

Once passengers get to the screening system, bins for putting your shoes and jackets will be easier to find and there will be a new generation of x-ray machines, known as millimeter wave portals.

These are capable of seeing through your clothes and revealing both pistols and penises to the TSA screener.

But never fear. That screener will be in a little room nearby, and the TSA promises the screener will never put a face to your privates nor make a private copy of the image of your privates for later enjoyment.

Once you are collecting your bags and shoes, you can put your belt and shoes back on at an ergonomic "composure bench" and then proceed to the "end zone."

TSA chief Kip Hawley announced the design makeover on the TSA blog Sunday, but did not specify which airports get the makeover first. Given the similarity to the creepy United Airlines moving sidewalk death tube in O'Hare, my money is on Chicago.

The site doesn't mention where people will be forced to remove their body piercings, but one supposes the supplied pliers will have colorful, squishy handles and be equally useful to left and right-handed body modders alike.

The TSA has video explanations of the changes: Millimeter wave x-ray machine video, ambient sounds explanation video, and screener stores video.

See Also:

• TSA Defends Nipple Ring Removal Order, Should Apologize - Update
• Vulnerable TSA Website Exposed by Threat Level Leads to Cronyism ...
• TSA Launches Blog To Reach Out to Shoe-Removing Travelers
• TSA Chief: We Can Spot Terrorists' Tics
• Boarding Pass Generator Update
• TSA Accessory Naming Contest Winner