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Reflection Distortion

By Anonymous

I bought a bikini today. I'm still trying to decide if I will keep it. It survived my harsh personal appraisal in the dressing room mirror, so it must not look too bad. But based on past experience, I know that when I try it on again I will suddenly think it looks terrible and wonder why I bought it in the first place.

When I was scrutinizing my reflection at the store, I was trying to decide how skewed the image I saw in the mirror was. Based solely on the numbers, I know it can't be accurate. My weight is the lowest it's been since I was fifteen, 10 pounds less than the day I found out I was pregnant, before I gained 42 pounds in 36 weeks (yeah, can you imagine if he'd been full term?), and 5 pounds under the ideal for my height (though still within the healthy range). The number on my driver's license is now accurate, I never thought that would happen. And it's not just the numbers- my clothes are loose, my dressy jeans are not snug where they're supposed to be snug, and my wedding rings slide around my finger. So, based on the facts, I shouldn't be overly critical of what I see in the mirror, bikini-clad or no.

And yet, all I see is squishiness. I see at least 5 more pounds I'd love to lose. I picture a past version of me as looking better- even though I know that same me was just as dissatisfied, if not more so. Every time I've set a fitness and weight goal, and achieved it, I find myself looking at my reflection thinking, "how could I have thought this would it?" I was heavier in high school, I weigh about 25 pounds less now. If you had told the high school me what size jeans I'd be wearing now at 25, I would have been certain that future me would be so happy with herself. She'd be feel beautiful and confident and look for excuses to walk around in a two-piece. High school me would fail to realize that changing the numbers has almost nothing to do with changing the image you see in the mirror.

It's amazing how powerful the mind's image can be. I've watched close friends and family members battle eating disorders and they're something I'm wary of with my type-A personality and relentless search for personal flaws. I currently have a healthy relationship with food and most of the time I'm at peace with the mirror. Rationally, I know I must have looked okay in that bikini, and I'll probably keep it- especially after I show it to JP, a far more generous critic than I. But even with his affirmation, it's hard to look past the reflection I see in the mirror.

Full post as published by Lag Liv on March 30, 2008 (boomark / email).