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Happy whatever the hell holiday you celebrate

By kellyfair

I like Christmas because it is an excellent excuse to sit on my ass, watch movies and play computer games. Everybody gets to sit on their asses for a few days, and when you're a student, it's like three weeks. That's because professors drink a lot. They want nice, loooong breaks.

So, historically speaking, it redeems Christians a bit. "And now, from the folks who brought you the Crusades, the genocide of Native Americans, the wipeout of the pagans, repression, gay bashing, Pat Robertson, George Bush, yelling men on pulpits, two thousand years of repressing women, and sculptures of a tortured guy nailed to big sticks.... Christmas!" Keep in mind Jesus "is just alright with me", as the Doobie Brothers infamously said (you have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?)- it's his followers who tend to just totally suck ass. Anyway so Christmas looks like a nice little redemption. Only what do we really get?

Ugly ties. Forced comraderie with people we don't like. A Secret Santa gift bought at Big Lots from that weird guy in the next cubicle.Credit card bills. Pressure to buy a lot of crap we can't afford given to people who don't need it.Blow-up dolls of Santa swaying in redneck yards beside their Grand Ams. Regrettable sexual acts with that guy/girl from high school we run into at the liquor store while visiting the folks. I just don't know if this really works out. Only, if it were up to the Jews and the people who invented Kwanzaa like 5 years ago (we are wayyy too late in civilization to be inventing new holidays, people, unless they are random Mondays off to give props to somebody like MLK) we wouldn't get shit for time off because there just aren't enough of those guys.

Anyway, don't strangle yourself with your new tie and happy freakin' holidays. As for me, I'm going to finish this coffee and lumber my ass to the couch until my girlfriend offers to wrap my presents for me because I hate wrapping and she's such a good girlfriend, at which point I'll drag them into the living room, then take a nap. Bills, Big Lots and all, I'm grateful for naps, a good woman and my last three week vacation. Enjoy, my dear readers, and I'll see you back at the whipping post after New Year's Eve.

Full post as published by caligulawyer on December 24, 2007 (boomark / email).