Legal Writing

More Less is More — Example #2

This post is the third in a series on cutting verbiage in legal writing.

Today, our goal is to cut the fat out of the following sentence:*

Secondary meaning occurs when a descriptive mark acquires distinctiveness, that is, proof that it has become distinctive as applied to the mark owner?s goods or services in commerce.

To begin, let’s be sure we know that the author is trying to say.

When we replace that is with proof that has become . . . we get:

Secondary meaning occurs when a descriptive mark acquires proof that it has become distinctive as applied to the mark owner?s goods or services in commerce.

Interesting. The phrase has become distinctive as applied to has got to go, because it’s so vague (which certainly doesn’t help promote an IP practice).

Now, what does secondary meaning mean? According to trademarks.org, secondary meaning is defined like so:

A trademark takes on a secondary meaning when it becomes an identifiable mark in the minds of consumers.

There it is, in 18 words rather than 28 (as in the copy we’re revising).

There are many other definitions, but they all say secondary meaning means this: it’s when consumers associate a mark with its owner.

Now let’s see how far we can go in shortening the original:

Secondary meaning occurs when a descriptive mark is widely associated with its owner?s goods or services.

There it is in 16 words.

Let’s compare that to the original:

Secondary meaning occurs when a descriptive mark acquires distinctiveness, that is, proof that it has become distinctive as applied to the mark owner?s goods or services in commerce.

We’ve cut the copy nearly in half, and we’ve made it much more meaningful and more accurate.

Is it worth the effort? Busy readers (e.g., judges and law clerks) say it really is.

______
* The sentence is from an article published by a client (a well known IP firm) I’d rather not identify.

Full post as published by Set in Style on April 27, 2010 (boomark / email).