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Why I wish I had taken pictures of the Palm Beach Oceanfront Inn, 3550 S. Ocean Blvd., Palm Beach, FL, before I left this morning.

By Nancy Rapoport

I had a great time at SEALS, as I always do, and this time, I had tried to keep costs down, so I stayed at a place down the road from the Ritz. Here's how the Palm Beach Oceanfront Inn describes itself (see here and especially here). I don't know when those photos were taken, but either Photoshop works miracles, or I'd checked into an alternate universe.

My room had all of the style of a Motel 6 (and there is nothing wrong with a Motel 6, when one is expecting to stay at a Motel 6) without any of the cleanliness or amenities. The bedspread was the second-scariest one that I've ever seen--the first scariest was the one that Jeff & I saw on our trek from Nebraska to Houston with our cat Calypso, and we had tried to sleep hovered above that bed in Oklahoma City. The floor was a greige-y linoleum, and the wall plug tried to come home with me when I unplugged my computer. I don't blame the wall plug. I wouldn't have wanted to stay in that room any longer, either. The refrigerator--actually, a nice touch--had a broken handle, but I was able to pry my way in.

I wouldn't have complained at all (hey, I'd asked for "inexpensive"!), except that when I checked out this morning, the front desk tacked on an additional "resort fee"--a last-minute charge. I asked the desk clerk what the resort fee was for, given that I was staying at a motel. He claimed that the resort fee was for parking (the motel parking slots???), beach access (the wooden stairs???), and computer use (behind the front desk???).

OK, Palm Beach Oceanfront Inn. Here's a tutorial for you, so that you can tell the difference between a resort and your motel.

Resort	Most decidedly not a resort
Valet parking	Parking in slots outside rooms, exposed to the elements
Several different places to eat	One place to eat, open at odd times of day
Pools (plural)	Pool (singular), slightly larger than a hot tub
Pool attendants, pool towels, food/drink service at pools	People anywhere near the pool
Gated access to beach	Serial killers can have access to your beach and your rooms
Luxurious rooms	Greige rooms
Luxurious bathrooms	Bathrooms that make you seriously consider buying flip-flops for shower
Luxurious bathroom amenities	The same amenities that you?d get in any other inexpensive motel
Fluffy towels	The same towels that you?d get in any other inexpensive motel
Concierge	Night watchman (maybe) (I fell asleep, trying to get the image of the room out of my head)
Security guards	Lock on door

I don't mind roughing it (as long as "roughing it" includes cable TV). What I mind is sneakiness. So, Palm Beach Oceanfront Inn, here's hoping that every Google search pulls up this post. Have fun with the next guest who gets tagged for a resort fee at your motel. And, Mr. Front Desk, who--when I asked him if he was kidding about a resort fee--suggested that I stay at the Ritz next time, yes, I believe that I will.

Full post as published by Nancy Rapoport's Blogspot on August 06, 2009 (boomark / email).