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: A Season of Mists

And The Next Day

By Alan

Today was a fun day. The junior partner and I spent two hours going through my files. You haven't lived until you misread a date on an office action. "October what??!?? Oh, that's January 20th..."

At this point, it's about minimizing the problems I've caused and doing as much as I can to "fix" things. That means I have a ton of things to do in a very short timeframe. This is the very essence of "oh shit."

I've already addressed a few things today. Not nearly enough, mind you, but a few things. I have an EP response that I'm currently trying to work on, but I don't know if I have it in me to finish it up tonight. Drinking half a can of Diet Coke was probably a bad idea. I'm a bit out of sorts and that's very hard for me to recover from, particularly so at 6pm.

Tomorrow I get to report a bunch of things, begin updating my personal docket with additional overdue and nearly-overdue items and work on responding to a Non-Compliant Appeal Brief. The junior partner set some goals for me ? specific things I have to have done by this Friday and by the end of the month. Considering I won't be around on Friday, Saturday or Sunday, my time to accomplish these goals is more limited than I would prefer. Even so, I should be able to hit them (assuming I actually work).

The junior partner said two reassuring things. One, that the partner I work with is aware of all the files/work I have and that things are going to get a bit worse (as in discovery of more things that are very late) before they get better. Two, that if that partner didn't fire me on Saturday, he's probably not going to fire me now. While a little reassuring, I wouldn't bet the mortgage on my survival here.

For my part, I've come to the conclusion that based on the shit I've pulled, they can't reasonably keep me indefinitely. I've screwed up a lot and, while none of it is irrevocable or unfixable (yet), that's not something I or they want to have to gauge. I'll stay for as long as they let me and try to clean up as much of this quagmire as I can. I really don't want to cause more problems, and if I left or were fired (at least right now), the firm would be in a ton of trouble trying to absorb my work. There's just too much. I've said it before and I'll say it again now, (temporary) job security by necessity.

Personally, I'm barely on speaking terms with the partners. I can't and won't avoid them, but I'm not going to engage them in chitchat. I fucked up royally and, while there hasn't been a single item necessitating my firing, I'm due. I readily admit it. Now it's all about damage control and trying not to fuck up more.

Can I do it? Can I hold up my end of the (temporary) bargain and help shovel this shit? I don't know, and that scares me a bit. Part of me says: "Of course I can! I'm strong! I can do it!" Then another part of me says: "You thought that before. You fucked up before. Hell, you're already fucking it up a little now by not staying until 10pm. Something's still wrong with you and you're not as strong as you think you are. You. Are. Fucked."

Gah, I feel completely off right now. I'm on edge a bit, tense, my stomach is a little ugh. I think I'll post this then shove off shortly. Get a good night sleep and plan on tomorrow being interminably long. This is so not fun.

Full post as published by A Season of Mists on February 19, 2008 (boomark / email).