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"Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) Effin' Rocks" might turn out to be the best-selling t-shirt in the history of paralegal merchandise - if there was such a t-shirt. (Warning: If expletives offend you, don't read any further because they form the basis of Nancy's sentence structure.)

Who is Nancy W. Kappes? I don't know, but I'm hoping one of you will tell me. Even better, I'm hoping Nancy will tell me.

If I don't know her, why is she getting a feature post on a paralegal blog? I'm writing about Nancy because she's a minor Internet celebrity with a growing and enthusiastic fan base, thanks to Jenny Lawson, a columnist for The Houston Chronicle and "the Bloggess" at http://www.bloggess.com/. Jenny occasionally posts wildly popular excerpts from emails she receives from Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal), including Nancy W. Kappes is the greatest letter writer ever and her most recent post Letters from Nancy, which is how I joined both Jenny and Nancy's mutual fan club.

This is the point in the article when I'm supposed to quote something from one of Nancy's emails, only I can't because if I take out the expletives there'll only be two or three incomprehensible helping verbs left, and I'm still hoping that someone from The ABA Journal will call me one day and beg me to be its intrepid paralegal reporter.

I'm trying to learn everything I can about Nancy (I hope that doesn't sound too stalkerish and I haven't, like, started a fan website yet, mainly because I don't have the technological savvy) but here are some of the things I know that make me crave more Nancy:

Nancy's raised her kids and hasn't the slightest interest in your droolers.

Like many of us working stiffs, she's had to eat "Helper" (Hamburger Helper minus the protein).

She says "blog" is that noise she makes when she throws up.
She signed an email to Jenny with "Paralegal, Who Please Fer Chrissakes, Don't Make Me File A Pro Hac Vice Motion or Anything that Has to Do With the Courts Because I am Totally Phoning In."
She admits to snorting Diet Coke through her nose while laughing hysterically.
I think Nancy invented morphine suppositories.

Is Nancy real? Jenny says so, and I want to believe Jenny, because she seems like someone I'd enjoy making a fool out of myself with at my bachelorette party, or maybe traveling cross country in a bus singing ABBA tunes in sequins and feathers, like in that gem of an Aussie drag queen movie, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Plus, Pipl.com says Nancy W. Kappes, mid-50s, resides in Indianapolis, and there's a corroborative review from a 2007 Rage Against The Machine concert which says grandmother-to-be Nancy W. Kappes traveled from Indianapolis with her daughter (the non-pregnant one at the time) and loved the concert so much that she said the band better never break up or she'd "Come back and haunt the you-know-what out of you! And it won't be pretty!" I'm sure someone cleaned up the quote for publication purposes, but it definitely sounds like something Nancy would say.

I'd ask Jenny for a quote for this post, but her website is pretty clear about the unlikelihood of a response to an email query.

So I'll leave you with a comment from Daisy, one of Nancy's many fans, "I am totally on board for some Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) T-shirts! Plus since we?re in the same state, I might run into her while wearing it and she can yell at me for not being her. And that? Would be so awesome!"

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