Ethics

If you teach legal ethics long enough, you will eventually meet Mr. Smartass.  He's the guy at a wedding, bar mitzvah, or some other social gathering who is, put simply, a smart ass.  You're introduced to him, and he quickly moves to the dreaded question.

"What do you do for a living?," he asks. 

Sensing danger, you offer cautiously, "I'm, uh, a law professor."

"Oh really?," he says.  "What do you teach?"

You have a moment to decide between honesty and diversion. At a recent wedding, you mentioned your econometrics approach to 19th century Malaysian corporate securities law.  Nobody talked to you, so this time you opt for honesty.

"I teach legal ethics."

Mr. Smartass chuckles, and the stink of alcohol tells you that you just made a mistake.

"Legal ethics?," he asks. "That must be a short course."

You offer a goofy grin and think to yourself,  "I knew it. Next time just say that I'm an accountant!" 

Mr. Smartass, smelling blood, asks, "Do you use a book in that course, or is it just a pamphlet?" 

He finds this very funny, and the stench of alcohol is now erupting from him.

"That's good," you say.  "I haven't heard that one before."  Of course, you have heard that one before, far too many times, but you're hoping to change the subject before Mr. Smartass realizes that he has overlooked the most obvious joke. The joke.



You see it in his eyes.  He has figured it out, albeit a little later than most.

"Isn't legal ethics some kind of oxymoron?" He thinks this is brilliant and looks around to see if anyone else has discovered his genius.

You retort, "It takes an oxymoron to know one, Mr. 'Smart...ass.'"

Mr. Smartass, no longer smiling, looks as if he has just been struck with an unexpected left to the head.

Sensing a possible verbal escalation, you move quickly to more mundane matters. "Uh, didn't Jacob do a great job with his Torah portion?"

...

Let's face it, folks.  If you teach legal ethics, you've probably had a conversation like this one.  Well, maybe not exactly like this one, but you know what I mean.  So tell me, what legal ethics putdowns have you heard from Mr. or Ms. Smartass?  And do you have any better ripostes than mine?