Consumer Law

ThePopTort?s ?Leaked Chevron Transcript?

By Andy Hoffman

When we heard about 60 Minutes?s scathing report last week about the huge pollution lawsuit against Chevron/Texaco for destroying Ecuador?s rain forest, we thought, well it?s about time ? that lawsuit was filed 16 years ago!  When we later learned that Chevron was trying to debunk the story with a 60 Minutes-style ?report? of its own, we were practically frothing at the mouth, wondering what?s up with that?  Fortunately, we were able to satiate our inquiring minds by procuring a leaked transcript from the confidential meeting that set the entire sordid PR plot into motion ? and as always, we?re pleased to bring it to you now.

CONFIDENTIAL CHEVRON MEETING TRANSCRIPT  

Date: December 8, 2008

Re. ?Making News?the Chevron Way?

Featured Speaker: [Redacted Name], the ?Chevron PR General?

Okay people, we?re Chevron, the third largest company in America?and we?re being sued in Ecuador in what may be the largest pollution lawsuit in history.  Even worse, that socialist, left-wing joke of a news outlet 60 Minutes is working on a report that tries to mislead unsuspecting Americans into thinking there?s something wrong with destroying the most important rainforest on earth.  Who lives in rainforests anyway?  Toads and insects? 

So here?s what we?re gonna do!  We?re gonna hit?em back ? and I mean hard, people.  That John Stewart he?s got the right idea, fo? shizzle!  We?re gonna make up a newscast of our own.  And we?ll put it on YouTube! 

We?ll rent the best news crew that money can buy, throw together some awesome stock footage, get some authentic-looking microphones, and do some over-the-shoulder interviews with professional science types who will say just about anything to be on camera.  And here?s the kicker ? we?ll get a former CNN correspondent to bust out an official-sounding sign off  (?Gene Randall reporting?)!

I know, I know, this may sound a little extreme ? some might even call it ?misleading.?  But  we?re looking at a potential PR tsunami here.  So make like you?re Mike Wallace, or Steve Pelly, or whoever it is that works at 60 Minutes these days ? and set your PR phasers on ?kill.?  There?s no time to waste ? let?s go make some news!

Full post as published by ThePopTort on May 13, 2009 (boomark / email).