Law Students

someday soon

By Andrea

Another bad night - too much waking up, too much time to get her back asleep. She's catching up today by being out most of the day, which at least let me do some school work. My hair is all messy and I'm wearing a nursing tank with milk and spit-up stains. Whatever.

I was saying to someone that although I'm tired, she's a sweet baby and it's all right, and she said, "of course she is, you love her, but that doesn't mean it's not hard." Yes, and no. Because it's the faces and noises she makes and the sweet little involuntary things she does that make it better in the midst of the chaos. Last night I woke up totally exhausted to feed her and found my nursing pad in my bra had shifted and I had half a wet bra, and I wanted to cry. Sometimes, right before she falls asleep during the day, she screams so hard her entire body turns red and she sounds like a dolphin. But then? She snuggles into the crook of my arm, and looks up at me with her big blue-gray eyes, and she goes a little cross-eyed or her focus flits between my nose and my hairline, but she's looking at me, she's seeing me, Mommy, and feeling safe.

And she makes a dramatic baby sighing noise, and screws up her face, and I can see she really does have a dimple on one side like her daddy, and I don't ever want to let her go, I just want to touch her dark hair and smell her sweet milk breath and eat her soft little apple cheeks all day long, because she's already growing out of newborn diapers and into size 1s, and this means it's already beginning, that someday too soon she won't wake me up at night but she also won't let me eat her cheeks, and so I hold my baby girl and think that it's hard, but it's okay.

Full post as published by Peanut Butter Burrito on February 06, 2008 (boomark / email).