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: Random Ramblings About Life and Law School

ADHD is REALLY frustrating right about now.

Growing up I never thought I might have ADHD. I'm not sure I had even heard of it! Looking back on it now, though, it makes perfect sense:

1. I almost obsessively focused on things I was interested in while being very quickly bored by things that were too easy.

2. I was quick to get frustrated and angry, even over relatively minor things.

3. I always had a hard time being patient.

4. I interrupted people constantly, either because some random idea had popped into my head or because I addressed what someone was saying before they finished saying it.

5. I would even interrupt myself because of those random thoughts!

6. I couldn't stay still without fidgeting. Ever.

7. I would constantly turn to look at something that caught my eye during a conversation.

8. I found it almost impossible to get motivated to do things I didn't want to do.

9. I always studied or began papers or projects at the last minute despite the best of intentions.

Come to think of it, I'm still that way. But it turns out that the things I always thought were signs of being lazy--procrastinating and having a hard time doing the boring but necessary things in life--is one of the more common symptoms of ADHD.

I'll never forget one day when I was 12 years old and wasn't doing whatever it was I had been asked to do. All of a sudden I heard my grandfather say loudly "She's just lazy! She's just a lazy girl." That completely crushed me. I felt like the worst person on earth, totally worthless. And I immediately thought "I can't help it! I try, I really do, but I just can't!"

I didn't say it out loud, though. Partly because I was crying too hard to speak, but mostly because it wasn't an excuse. It was simply the truth, plaintive and heart wrenching though it was. Can you imagine what that must be like? Pretend for a second that ADD/ADHD is not an excuse to be an underachiever or to be lazy. Pretend that you literally can't bring yourself to focus on getting something important done, even though you know you should. In fact, you really, really want to because you know how important it is, but you literally cannot bring yourself to do it. Can you imagine what it does to your self esteem to be constantly feeling guilty about something, whether it's because because your home is never clean enough, or you were late on another bill payment, or you're never on top of anything you're supposed to be doing, or you're constantly putting people off by interrupting them and being disorganized during a conversation? Time and time again the symptoms can take a hit on your self esteem.

Don't get me wrong--I've managed to build a pretty decent base of self esteem over the years, and I'm not looking for a pity party. But tonight I was planning on working on my outline and flashcards for my exam next week. For the life of me, I haven't been able to get started. I know it seems like I should be able to decide "ok, time to get started" and just do it, but when I'm tired the medication doesn't work as well. Sometimes it doesn't work at all when I'm exhausted, which is what I am tonight.

I know what you're thinking. And until I started taking my medication I didn't truly understand how much easier it was for other people to do things like this. With the medication, I'm actually able to think "ok, let's do it" and then do it! Without it... or when I'm exhausted... it's like this. I had no idea it wasn't like this for everyone else.

So anyway, another night of studying is wasted. And I'm starting to understand why the doctor at work said "you must be really smart, to accomplish all you have with a disability". I don't think I could have made it through my first year of law school with ADHD otherwise. Unfortunately, struggling like I am tonight is not something I'd rather have in exchange for possibly a little bit of extra intelligence. Sometimes it's just frustrating, but sometimes I feel just a little bit defeated.

Full post as published by Random Ramblings About Life and Law School on December 04, 2008 (boomark / email).