OBAMA: Look, as I travel around the country, this is the issue that will break your heart over and over again. Just yesterday, I was in Toledo shaking some hands in a line. Two women, both of them probably in their mid- to late-50s, had just been laid off of their plant. Neither of them have health insurance.
Meanwhile, at home in Toledo, Ohio:
WOMAN #1: Mid- to late-50s?? What?? There's no way I'm voting for him now.
WOMAN #2: Oh, come on, maybe that wasn't us he's talking about.
WOMAN #1: You really think there's another pair of women, just laid off from their plant, without health insurance, who talked to Senator Obama on the line yesterday?
WOMAN #2: I guess you're right. So... yeah... you're right... what a jerk!
WOMAN #1: You really think I look like I'm in my 50s? It's the bags under my eyes, isn't it.
WOMAN #2: I don't know why you're so offended. At least you're in your 40s. I'm 33! Maybe it's a good thing we got laid off from the plant. The plant is clearly not helping us stay young.
WOMAN #1: ...Or maybe it's my hair. I should dye it.
WOMAN #2: Uh, maybe it's our lack of health insurance, Carol. Maybe if I could afford to go to a doctor I could get some cream or something to make these wrinkles go away.
WOMAN #1: That's not what doctors do. That's what makeup does.
WOMAN #2: Well, how am I supposed to know what doctors do if I don't have health insurance!
WOMAN #1: Good point.
WOMAN #2: And, frankly, how can I possibly vote for a President who can't even tell the difference between a 33 year old and someone in her mid to late 50s? Is this really the man we want making important decisions for our families?
WOMAN #1: You're right. I want a president who isn't just older than me, but who knows he is.
WOMAN #2: I think the choice is clear.
WOMAN #1: Me too.
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MCCAIN: So choice and competition amongst schools is one of the key elements that's already been proven in places in like New Orleans and New York City and other places, where we have charter schools, where we take good teachers and we reward them and promote them. And we find bad teachers another line of work.
Meanwhile, in an operating room in Tallahassee, Florida:
PATIENT (lying on the operating table): Doctor, you think I'm going to be okay?
DOCTOR: I've done almost a handful of these procedures, Janet. I have confidence it's going to go well. "No tumor left behind."
PATIENT: Oh. Like "No child left behind" ?
DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. Are you familiar with that program? You know, I used to be a teacher.
PATIENT: Before you became a doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes.
PATIENT: What happened? Why'd you switch careers?
DOCTOR: Well, I was part of this program.
PATIENT: What kind of program?
DOCTOR: This program where they find bad teachers another line of work.
PATIENT starts to get up from the operating table. DOCTOR pushes her back down.
DOCTOR: Where are you going?
PATIENT: I'm not sure I'm so comfortable with you performing the surgery now.
DOCTOR: Oh, come on, you know the saying: those who can't, teach.
PATIENT: Uh... sure....
DOCTOR: Well, if that's true, then doesn't logic require that those who can't teach, can.
PATIENT: Can... what?
DOCTOR: Perform surgery.
PATIENT: I'm not sure it works that way.
DOCTOR: Sure it does. My entire class at Bad Teacher New Line Of Work Academy is doing awesome things with their lives. One guy works for Lehman Brothers, there's a woman who approves mortgages for the destitute, there's a guy who found the cure for diabetes, and the woman who won our class pageant is now vice president.
PATIENT: There is no cure for diabetes.
DOCTOR: Sure there is. I taught science and that was one of the big units I did. "The cure for diabetes: how it happened and why we don't have that disease anymore."
