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: Random Ramblings About Life and Law School

How do you handle a self-centered friend?

I actually can't study for Civ Pro until I put this out there.

I have this friend, who I'll call Heather. My friend Natalie and I met her at a party about 6 months ago. Natalie and I have been friends since 7th grade. I started being friends with Heather first, but then Heather and Natalie became friends. Then I invited a friend from school, Michelle, out with us one night and now all 4 of us are friends.

But...

I just discovered (by looking at her myspace page) that Heather went into Boston to hang out with Michelle this weekend. Natalie was invited, but I wasn't. Which might not be as big a deal if it hadn't been for something that happened a few weeks ago. We all went to Foxwoods for Heather's birthday. Long story short, Heather, who was drunk, became angry at me for taking Michelle's offer of getting me a couple of shots before going back to the hotel so I could "catch up" (I hadn't been feeling well earlier in the night, and the girls had gone out and started drinking without me -- I had insisted).

That turned into all sorts of accusations on Heather's end that made both Natalie and Michelle wonder where the hell she was coming from! Things like how it's always all about me (it isn't) or how all I care about is finding a guy to flirt with when we go out (which isn't true). But along the way, Heather also snapped at me "I knew you'd try to steal Michelle away!"

Now, keep in mind that I was friends with Michelle for about 6 months longer than I've been friends with Heather.

Also keep in mind that Heather is one of those types of people who constantly needs to be the center of attention wherever we go. She sees everything in the world in reference to herself. We've had girl's nights in that have turned into girl's nights out because she wanted to go out and flirt. She even left us one night to go deal with a couple of her men! She always tries to find guys for me and Natalie to talk to, but I'm starting to wonder if that's only so she doesn't feel as guilty about always needing to talk to guys. It's all about Heather.

Anyway, I basically I feel like the whole argument was Heather projecting big time onto me. Which is why my friends were totally confused about where she was coming from.

I've been friends with people before who were either insecure and jealous or needed to be the center of attention all the time. It's always ended up badly because I'm really big on fairness. I'm not the type who will go along with everything if it's one-sided most of the time. Which obviously causes trouble when it means that an attention-seeking person doesn't get their way all the time.

So now that I found out that apparently my friends, the ones I introduced Heather to, were all invited, but I wasn't...

Heather and I did talk about that argument afterwards and things seemed to be ok, but now I feel like Heather needs to be the boss of the friends, and it is all about her. I feel like I used to be an equal friend to Natalie and Michelle, but now that Heather's come in I feel like she sees Natalie and Michelle as equals, and I'm the odd person out. If I say something, it's like it was either never said or someone else said it (until Heather's memory is corrected). I'm the one who brought all these people together, and now I feel like I'm on the outside.

And I never brought up to Heather her accusation of me stealing Michelle, which is why finding out about this weekend bothers me. Who's stealing who again?
Natalie and Michelle aren't treating me any differently, by the way. It's just Heather.

Any advice? I don't want to come across as being the jealous one, but at the same time, I don't want to always feel like I'm taking a backseat to my own friends, even if it's only in Heather's eyes.

Full post as published by Random Ramblings About Life and Law School on May 12, 2008 (boomark / email).