Family Law

Tips to Help Blended Families Succeed

By Ben Stevens

Parenthood sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be - especially for step-parents, who are often the unsung heroes of blended families.  These step-parents face multiple challenges, as they frequently must deal with rejection and parent effectively while preserving a loving relationship with his/her spouse.

To increase the chances of success for blended families, consider the following tips:

• The parents should inquire regularly about each other's feelings and be ready to listen without getting defensive or unduly upset with the children.
• The parents should establish clear behavioral expectations and communicate them to the children. They should do this together and make sure both parents' commitment to the plan is clear to the children.
• The parents should anticipate the children's reactions to these behavioral expectations and decide how to manage them.
• The parents should impose predetermined consequences whenever children act out. If the misbehavior seems related to the divorce, address the issues directly.
• The parents should articulate the specific role the step-parent wishes to play.
• The step-parent should explain he/she will parent but has no intention of trying to replace or be more powerful than the child's birth parent. If teenage children are blended into the family, the step-parent should consider a style more like that of an aunt, uncle, or teacher.
• The step-parent should not criticize a birth parent. When a child begins to make comparisons, a step-parent should simply state that this is how he/she has decided to do things in his/her home.
• The step-parent should establish cordial relations with the birth parent and cooperate when practical. If children see their step-parent and birth parent getting along, they will accept the step-parent more readily.
• The step-parent should try not to take rejection personally. All children test parents and periodically push them away as a means of seizing power in the relationship or proving parents mean what they say.
• The step-parent should do things with the stepchildren that are mutually enjoyable and try to spend time with them individually. Make sure the child knows this time is important to the step-parent.

Full post as published by SC Family Law Blog on May 09, 2008 (boomark / email).