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Family Law

Divorce Parties

I first heard about 'Divorce Parties' from a friend a few years ago. Not quite sure where I stand on the issue, but it is interesting. The experience of divorce can be coplex and emotional (for both men and women) and, I suppose, there is a benefit to celebrating a new life.

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First Divorce, Then A Party
Sharing The Moment With Friends Can Be Cathartic
By DANIELLE BRODSKY
Special To The Courant

Divorce isn't all about crying into your pillow and changing the locks. It can be cause for celebration.

That's just what Dori Baer of Deep River was thinking when she and 11 girlfriends went out to Jacoby's in Meriden for a "raucous night of drinking and dancing" the day she was served her divorce papers.

In honor of the occasion, she was presented with a bottle of perfume aptly named "Caliente," for the new Latin male lead in her life, whom she went on to marry.

Why the bash?

"I felt like I had unzipped and stepped into this brand new life," Baer said, and she wanted to celebrate.

Baer's party-hearty attitude might have been unusual in 1991. It's not anymore.

After hearing about many such celebrations, California-based British ex-pat Christine Gallagher - whose website, www.revengelady.com, taps into an unconventional market of its own - began researching and discovered that divorce parties were going mainstream.

"In London, a lot of people were doing it; there's even a fireworks company that will do divorce party fireworks," Gallagher explains.

Still, you couldn't quite find Hallmark cards congratulating you on your divorce or boxed invitations to divorce parties, so Gallagher created a handbook to guide people through nearly uncharted territory, "The Woman's Book of Divorce" (2001).

When Gallagher had the chance to use her own advice, she did it in a sizzling style: "We threw a party for a friend of mine, with a `Hot, Hot' theme because she was shattered - after a thoroughly heartbreaking experience in which she had, in essence, lost everything she'd held dear."

The party featured Mexican cuisine, a salsa dance instructor and a bonfire into which the ex's prized hunting trophy was thrown. The point of the endeavor was to show the girlfriend that she was still hot, that she could still get wild and laugh; that there was some sizzle left in life for her.

"She loved the party. For her it was cathartic, a way to blow it all out - like going to a sweat lodge," Gallagher says.

At her Las Vegas divorce party in November, actress Shanna Moakler drank vodka and enjoyed a three-tier cake in the Bellagio Hotel.

The cake, it was reported by "People" magazine, featured a miniature knife-wielding blonde in a wedding dress on top, with a trail of blood leading to a tiny groom sprawled at the bottom.

Moakler had been married to Travis Barker, the drummer for the band blink-182.

Dr. Dale Atkins, a Westport psychologist with a New York practice, says celebration instead of sobbing can be beneficial.

"Divorce is not generally a happy life passage, even if you are the one who initiated it, because there is family involved and a lifestyle you'll be giving up. It is good to have friends with you during life transitions - whether happy, sad ones or those with mixed feelings - and few things are more gratifying than being with girlfriends who support you."

Watkins says these parties are generally about helping the honoree to get through it and recognize that he or she is a single person who lived through this and will come out on the other side.

When Adrienne Bailey's sister divorced two years ago and decided to leave California to move home to Salt Lake City, Bailey hosted a divorce party.

"I got the idea because she didn't have any friends here in Utah, and so I wanted to introduce her to all of my friends. It was also an excuse to get friends from different parts of my life together."

Avoiding direct stabs at divorce, Bailey chose a more round-about approach to the theme and named the bash "The Celebration of Liberation and Libation."

She got the "liberation" part of it from Gallagher's book, and the "libation" end of it was "simply another excuse for drinking."

She set the house up for a rave party, complete with black lights in the halls and Christmas lights twisted here and there.

Bailey decorated each room for a unique feel and hired a bartender to serve strong drinks, which the hostess described as "real nasty," in keeping with the mood toward the ex.

Most important, possibly, all of the invitees were single, both men and women, and her sister had a great time.

She walked away meeting several people who'd gone through similar experiences, people with whom she remains friends.

Though the moods may vary, there are some mandatory components of a successful divorce party, Gallagher says.

"Friends are even more important than at a wedding, if you really think about it," she says, "because people are out there on their own. When people are there to support them, it helps to show the divorced person that it's OK."

Gallagher also suggests a theme, such as the popular "split theme," in which everything in the party is split - a cake cut down the middle, split-pea soup for a first course - and gifts, which can range from the utilitarian (often people divide their belongings during divorce and are therefore left without many necessities) to the hilarious (an inflatable man) and even the symbolic (a cruise to Alaska).

If you're in the market for some divorce party paraphernalia, log onto www.plumparty.com, a website associated with bachelorette parties, but with more jaded connotations, such as the "No men, amen!" paper plate and napkin set ($4.50 to $5.50), "Red Hot Numbers" address book ($16), "Forget Him" tea bags ($12.50) and the "50 Wicked Ways of Revenge" game ($10).

Atkins, the psychologist, cautions celebrants about going too far.

"I know one group of women who took all of the ex's clothes in the house and shredded them. I would prefer they were given to a charity. Still there is something about tearing things up and saying, `I'm finished,' which might help let go," she says.

However, Atkins is adamant about protecting children from their divorced parents' squabbles.

"Don't stick pins in a voodoo doll in front of the kids. Children's attitudes about divorce are rarely consistent with parents' views, and there are often loyalty issues which might cause them to feel they have to get on board with one parent's view to be an ally," Atkins says. "I think what is more useful is to share with them what you are all are going through and where you are at now."

Some see the value of ritual for those going through a divorce.

Charlotte Eulette of Montclair, N.J., is a celebrant or non-religious officiate who honors milestones through individualized rituals, symbols and sometimes parties.

As of next April, the number of graduates from the U.S. branch of the Celebrant Institute (founded in Australia) will have reached 300. During Eulette's own divorce ceremony in 2002, she took her maiden name back, received a family ring from her mother, who pronounced that Eulette "shouldn't feel the emptiness from the dent in her finger formed after 10 years of marriage," and celebrated her "sexual awakening" with belly dancing bells, and dances in the form of the figure eight.

Other divorce ceremonies Eulette and other celebrants have presided over include the gluing back together of a glass as the antidote to the Jewish tradition of smashing wedding glasses.

So what's the future of divorce parties?

Eulette has performed 10 so far, and sees them as "a beautiful, healing thing" that is growing in popularity.

From San Francisco Family Law Blog posted 2006-12-28.