Lawyer Jokes

Best Law Humor

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a pail of pond scum?

The pail.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?

The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?

The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a devil?

No changes occur.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start!

What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?


Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

How do lawyers "do it"?

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

A scientist walks into a brain store to get material for an experiment. He sees the price list for professional brains offerred.

Engineer's Brain, $3/ounce. Programmer's Brain, $4/ounce. Doctor's Brain, $10/ounce. Lawyer's Brain, $1,000/ounce.

He asks the butcher why the lawyer brain so much more than the others?

The butcher replies, "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

The devil vists a lawyer's office and makes him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income six-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have six months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and asks, "What's the catch?"
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