Political Wives, Why Stand By Your Man (at the Press Conference)?

Stacy Schneider, Esq.

We just watched the latest political wife stand by her man at a national press conference as he announces his infidelity, betrayal of marriage vows and violation of public trust. When Silda Spitzer positioned herself next to her husband, Governor Eliot Spitzer, at the podium with her defeated, somber expression, sympathetic glances at her disappointing spouse, and staged body language implying “we are still one,” it made me wince. The message was, as usual, “You wronged me, humiliated me, destroyed my family and my life, but I want all your constituents to know that your family will not abandon you.” The event was contrived, as they always are, and every time we have the misfortune of witnessing reckless, selfish politician announce their requisite mea culpas with their wives at their side, the women seem to suffer twice as much. First they endure the devastation of the initial private family revelation behind closed doors. Then the second round of bruising humiliation, this one for the entire world to see.

The last press conference I vividly remember feeling mortified over was attended by Dina Matos McGreevey. She stood by her husband, New Jersey Governor James McGreevey, when he announced to the world that he was a “Gay American” who had an inappropriate relationship while in office. Watching Dina’s frozen smile and deer in the headlights expression, you could not help but feel her pain. But having the wife at the conference doesn’t help the politician. It just makes him look more like a dog for making her suffer again. For Silda and Dina and all the other wives who endured a scripted spectacle, now hear this: There’s a better way to weather this storm— Don’t show up!

Seriously, why bother? You did nothing wrong, so why put yourself in front of a national audience to be humiliated? Why suffer the fallout when he’s the one who screwed up? Your job is not on the line, you didn’t violate the ethical standards of public office, you didn’t destroy his reputation. I say stay at home. No need to break out the brave face.

The usual formula for damage control following a political sexcapade is a failure, and it’s time for you to take back control. The more honest and probably more effective way to handle having a hole ripped into your heart, is to make yourself comfortable in front of the TV with a box of tissues and brace for a long night of CNN while your husband cleans up his own mess.

Standing next to your husband is not only unnecessary, it makes him look pathetic. It shows us that not only did he dupe the voters, he duped his family too. The better p.r. move is to let him hang out to dry… alone. He’ll seem more sincere and less of a bad guy because he didn’t force you to endure his shame in public. It’s a win-win for both of you.

You can show your public support by refraining from filing divorce papers until after his scandal is out of the headlines. If you keep the marriage alive, at least superficially, until the next politician gets caught with his pants down and the media moves on, the public will surmise that you are supporting him. So ignore the advice of the advisors, press agents, publicists, and spin-doctors. It’s time to update the approach when it comes to playing the wronged political wife. The best service you can do for your husband is to skip the press conference and take the time to heal.

Commentary by divorce coach Stacy Schneider, author of He Had It Coming: How to Outsmart Your Husband and Win Your Divorce.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This commentary was picked up by the New York Post’s Opinion Page on Sunday, March 16th.

Filed Under Eliot Spitzer, Divorce | (trackback)

Comments

2 Comments so far

Muffin on March 14, 2008 1:41 pm
On the other hand, Silda, out of concern for her family, stood by the father of her children to cover all her bases until she has the benefit of time to think and see how Eliot’s possible criminal legal consequences play out.
USLaw on March 16, 2008 4:41 pm
If Silda Wall Spitzer made her own statement to the press right now, it would probably be a polite version of: “Get out of my marriage.”

And she’d be right. Not only is she dealing with one of the most painful possible episodes in a marriage, she’s also having to contend with the media and the public opining on what she should do next. Should Silda stay? Should Silda stand at the podium? Are Silda’s eyes particularly puffy today?

The answer is, Silda should do whatever Silda wants. Silda can cry if she wants to, but it’s no one else’s business.

We Americans really hate adultery. In a 2006 Gallup poll, we said it was morally worse than polygamy or human cloning. A survey of 24 countries found that Americans and Filipinos disapproved of infidelity most strongly. (Russians were cheating’s biggest fans).

Hating infidelity this much might make us feel righteous, but it doesn’t do us much good. We still cheat as much as people in other wealthy countries do. And with so much pent up guilt over our own behavior and scorn for the villainous adulterers, we end up suffering more in the aftermath of affairs.

America is the only country I found where cheating is considered so far outside the norms of marriage that it’s automatically a reason to divorce. We shout, we walk out, we start talking to lawyers - or we make the marriage a living hell for years. After all, the thinking goes, if one party cheats the whole relationship has been “a lie.”

We expect public figures to follow this same script. When Bill Clinton cheated on Hillary, it was widely assumed that their marriage was just a political arrangement. Silda, too, is supposed to ditch Eliot if she has any self-respect.

But real life isn’t a moral parable. It’s messy. Once tempers calm, married people often decide they have more to lose by leaving. Despite the powerful social pressure to jump ship, they find they’re still in love with their spouses, their families and their lives.

Silda Hall Spitzer is presumably working this out right now. And if she decides to stand by her man, she can - without our judgment.

Pamela Druckerman is the author of “Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee,” out in paperback next week.

Response by Pamela Druckerman, author of “Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee,” in New York Post 3/16/08.