Legal Commentary

Today we have apologies from Larry Johnson (the Kansas City Chiefs running back) and Alan Grayson (the Democratic Congressman).  I?ve attached links so you can see why they are apologizing?or really if they are apologizing at all.  I?ve thought from time to time about the grammar of apology, and the ways that people (especially, especially lawyers) can so deftly apologize without ever really admitting fault.  And so having some excess time this afternoon and getting a kick out of amusing myself with this?and inspired by the carefully crafted apologies of those like Kanye West, Serena Williams, and Mark Sanford?I?ll take a stab at laying out some basic categories of apology.

(1) ?I?m sorry.?  ?I?m sorry for what I did to you.?  ?I?m sorry I hurt your feelings.?  The basic normal apologies, the gold standard?only rarely heard in legal practice.

(2) ?I?m sorry I couldn?t pick you up?I was running late.?  This is an apology with a bit of an excuse added in at the end.  But there?s nothing necessarily wrong with that though.  Sometimes people want an explanation as to why you messed up.

(3) ?I?m sorry if I hurt your feelings.?  Here the nuance begins.  Note its conditional nature: I?m not categorically or unreservedly apologizing.  If it turns out that I didn?t hurt your feelings, I?m not sorry (or at least maybe I?m not).  Still, again I think that there?s nothing necessarily improper with this type of apology.  Sometimes you can?t quite tell if your mistakes caused the sort of harm for which an apology is appropriate. 

(4) ?I?m sorry if the fact that I failed to pick you up on time somehow made you late.?  This is the apology with an element of disputation; the word ?somehow? here changes the whole thing.  I am questioning whether my mistake caused you harm.  I may be disputing causation (you would have been late anyway) or maybe I?m alleging contributory fault (you could have gotten there without me).  Here a lot will depend on how the word ?somehow? is uttered.  If it?s said quickly, it may go over okay.  If it?s drawn out and used quasi-sarcastically, it?s entirely different.  (And if you use it quasi-sarcastically and the other party picks up on it, quickly play dumb and maintain the illusion that you don't know what they are angry about.)

(5) ?I?m sorry you took offense at what I said.?  This one is my favorite?it?s a textbook non-apology apology, and I?m sure I?m as guilty as anyone at using it.  It?s a close cousin to the oft-overheard at faculty meetings, ?I?m sorry you misunderstood what I was saying.?  It?s quite different from things like, ?I?m sorry John didn?t get back to you, but I can help you now??because it suggests that it is precisely the offended party that is being the unreasonable one.  A normal person wouldn?t have taken offense, but you apparently are either too thin skinned and overly sensitive or too dimwitted to understand that what I did was actually not offensive.

Finally, having written all this, I realize one thing remains to be said.  To my wife reading this in cyberspace, I am truly sorry for never apologizing right.