Criminal Law
Ipse Dixit 
Daily life in law practice.
Post Frequency: 1.1/day Last Entry: May 08, 2009 at 21:05:00 Recent Entries: 160
By "Ipse Dixit"
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What a Friday
Posted on May 08, 2009I had to run a prelim today where the client was charged with having drugs in his possession while in county custody. Said drugs (crack) were up my clients butt. They were discovered during a routine strip search after my client was transferred from one facility to another...
Sadness
Posted on May 06, 2009I met a 25 year old girl yesterday charged with her first DUI. She blew a .29 BAC. She smelled of alcohol at 9:00am. I saw her life flash before my eyes, and it wasn't pretty.Sometimes, my job is just sad.
Things I have learned as a Public Defender
Posted on May 01, 2009Never trust a colleague who thrusts a file in your hand at 4:00pm on Friday afternoon and says, "This client is a custody plea. Everything is ready to go. It is time served. Totally simple. Gotta run...byyyyeee!"You should never believe a colleague who feeds you this line because they will commonly leave shit out like, oh, I don't know:The client is crazyThey neglected to tell the client about the restraining orderThat when said client hears about the restraining order, ya know, for the first time on the record, that the client is going to FREAK the fuck outThe client is crazyThe client is crazy
OMG!!!
Posted on April 21, 2009We won one! We won one!!Go read Arizona v. Gant immediately.Here is the holding of The US Supremes:"Police may search the passenger compartment of a vehicle incident to a recent occupant?s arrest only if it is reasonable to believe that the arrestee might access the vehicle at the time of the search or that the vehicle contains evidence of the offense of arrest...
woah
Posted on April 16, 2009All I can say is that if Bai Ling was my client, I would certainly have to declare a doubt. Read this interview IMMEDIATELY.
I wonder
Posted on April 08, 2009Sometimes I think that my only function as a public defender is to cloak the sins of an unjust system. Since I am there, in a courtroom with two prosecutors against me (the one in the suit at counsel table and the one in the robe on the bench), I give the illusion that things are fair, when in fact they are anything but...
Overheard in court
Posted on April 08, 2009"But, Ms. Dixit, why would the police officer lie?" -- My bench officer! This is never a good sign during arguments in a motion to suppress.I am too exhausted to detail the steaming pile of injustice that was served up in court today, sufficed to say that no matter how big of a liar the cop clearly is, my judge will NEVER question their credibility.
I want to go to there!
Posted on April 01, 2009Yessssss I know I have been a bit lax in my posting as of late. Cut me some slack, I drive 60 miles each way to work. You know what would cheer me up and wash all my cares away? A trip here: The Museum of Bad Art!A museum whose moto is "Art too bad to be ignored," sounds freakin' awesome to me...
Oscar Hotness
Posted on February 23, 2009Well, since my pain and discomfort threshold have been breached today, I am staying home from work and whimpering on the couch. Therefore, I must find a way to amuse myself. I chose to do it by looking through all of the Oscar photos and giving out some much deserved awards...
Hard Lesson
Posted on February 06, 2009This week I learned why Justice is blindfolded. It is so when someone runs up, cold-cocks that bitch, and steals her handbag, she will not be able to identify her assailants. I had a client who got royally FUCKED at a probation violation hearing. I called 3 wits, I cited caselaw DIRECTLY on point saying I win, and the prosecution's only wit (the cop) was such a huge liar even the court staff knew it...
Try and tell me I don't have a dangerous job
Posted on January 28, 2009Because I could just be at work someday and THIS could happen! Ugh, I would rather get shanked then to suffer through this!!!Jeffrey Martin, I hope you get a much needed vacation. And your office should pay for it!
If only my clients could think of this!
Posted on January 24, 2009I would LOVE to be the lawyer in this case.Check it.Do you think that they have Public Defenders? Or do these guys take the case?
Shit, shit, shit!
Posted on January 24, 2009Argh! I have a motion to suppress set for Monday morning. My much needed percipient witness, who I finally got in touch with Friday night, hung up on me and turned her phone off after I introduced myself and told her why I was calling. I was pissed, but figured I could just put my client on to give the testimony I needed...
Things that suck
Posted on January 21, 2009Forgetting to check what is next in your Netflix queue and getting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer shipped to you in January. Argh!It is a good thing that they send you those emails, because I was able to avoid the next movie getting shipped out: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Ahhh, January 19th!
Posted on January 20, 2009Happy Obama Eve!Happy MLK day!And only a few more hours until that village in Texas gets its idiot back!
New Phone
Posted on January 19, 2009I am counting the hours until my new phone arrives. I currently have a Samsung Glyde which SUCKS MORE THAN I CAN EXPRESS!! The touchscreen is such shit. It is completely possessed and pushes buttons all by itself. I have had the software upgraded. I have had the phone replaced...
Randomness
Posted on January 19, 2009While pulling out of Starbucks tonight, I saw a man in a sailor hat happily chomping on a giant ear of corn. WTF?
I hate Starbucks cups!
Posted on January 19, 2009Why is it that I pay over $2 for a normal, boring drip coffee at Starbucks, but they cannot make a lid that doesn't leak all over?! Every single time I get coffee there I have to stuff a napkin under the rim of the cup so I don't end up wearing my cup of joe...
Now this I could do
Posted on January 19, 2009I always say that I don't know what I would do for a living if I wasn't a Public Defender.That is no longer true. I could do this job:Island Caretaker!!The tourism board of Queensland Australia has come up with an ingenious idea. They are going to pay some lucky person over $100K for 6 months of vacation...
Yippee!
Posted on January 17, 2009How did I get to be such a shoe and handbag junkie? I don't know exactly, however what I DO know is that this is my new yummy Cole Haan Genevieve Triangle Tote in suede and patent weave. Hooray!
Yeeessssss!!!
Posted on January 16, 2009These just came in the mail for me. Le sigh. How lovely are they?!
Best misunderstanding of a name. EVER!
Posted on January 16, 2009Guy on the phone: Ok, come by in 15 minutes.Me: Ok.Guy on the phone: Wait, what's your name?Me: Heather.Guy: Ok, Pebbles. See you in 15.WTF?!?!?!?
Creepy or adorable?
Posted on January 14, 2009You be the judge. Personally, I think that baby orangutan is the cutest thing ever.
Bravo!
Posted on January 13, 2009Congrats to my smarty-pants brother who earned outstanding grades in his first semester of law school!!Way to go!
WTF award of the week
Posted on January 13, 2009Man Accused of Selling Daughter For Cash and Beer.Wow. I wonder what kind of beer it was. I hope it was imported, at least.
Nothing says lifelong love like a Nachos Bellgrande combo meal
Posted on January 13, 2009This classy couple got married at drunk/stoned munchie heaven, Taco Bell. I think that this marriage will be a lot like Taco Bell; it sounds like a really good idea in the beginning, but later you always regret it. Good luck, lovebirds!
What happen to fishsticks and boxed milk?
Posted on January 05, 2009I want the Obama family to adopt me. No, not just so I can have a Secret Service codename (it would be Sassafrass, fyi), but for the sole purpose of attending school with the little ones. Check out the lunch menu at the Sidwell Friends School. (Linkalicious here...
There seems to be a theme around here today...
Posted on January 05, 2009I don't mean to be a stickler, but... Does Priscilla Presley's wedding gown mannequin REALLY have to have huge erect nipples? Grossness.
Oh my Jesus!!!
Posted on January 05, 2009I haven't posted enough commentary on pop-culture happenings lately, so here goes:Patricia Arquette! HOLY CRAP! No more push up bras/corsets/breast implants/breastfeeding for you. This tomfoolery must end.
I have no words
Posted on December 31, 2008I present to you, the Denny's Rockstar Menu!IMHO, the "Hooburrito" is the saddest. Seriously, are these bands even remotely cool OR new? I have no immediate plans to 'eat like a rockstar' at Denny's anytime soon - as in NEVER.
I'm an angry girl
Posted on December 28, 2008I have always had a pretty short fuse. However, in the last year or so I find that I have almost no fuse whatsoever. It is not that I have a short fuse about everything. I can deal with huge amounts of work-related chaos at once without as much as batting an eye...
Ummmm...what??
Posted on December 26, 2008I remember seeing the infomercials for this shit in the 80's. It is awesome and scary all at once. I don't know what rules more; her hair, her leotard, the music, the face exercises.
George Bush is inspirational
Posted on December 21, 2008Well, it's more like the guy who hurled his shoes at our lame duck that is inspiring people.For instance, he has inspired men to offer their daughters in marriage:Father Offers Daughter To Shoe-ThrowerAlso, a video game has been created based on the incident...
Oh refrigerator, why have you forsaken me?
Posted on December 17, 2008The refrigerator broke!! We just got this thing 3 years ago. Now the compressor has gone and died and it has been about 4 days of no refrigeration whatsoever. This is starting to become a real problem. You do not even notice how often you go into your frig until the thing is the exact same temperature inside as it is out...
But, I thought it didn't even rain here?
Posted on December 17, 2008In a splendid turn of events, I got snowed OUT of work today!! How the hell is this possible?? I have never experienced a "snow day" in all of my life, so I was tickled pink at the thought of staying home.br /br /Although I wish I could have done something really exciting with my unexpected day off, instead I have spent it curled up on the couch with a box of tissue under one arm and a box of span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"Mucinex/span D under the other...
Christmas Favorites
Posted on December 15, 2008Ok, my Christmas cheer has improved since my last posting. In celebration of the fact that I have a beautiful, delicious smelling tree in my living room, I ranked my favorite Christmas movies and songs:Movies:1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (yes, the claymation one)2...
Bah Humbug!
Posted on December 13, 2008Is it just me, or were the holidays waaaaay more fun when you were a kid?I am starting to think this guy had the right idea. I wanna punch Cindy Lou Who in the face right about now.
Anonymous quote
Posted on November 21, 2008Found this on Facebook:"We, as criminal defense lawyers, are forced to deal with some of the lowest people on earth, people who have no sense of right and wrong, people who will lie in court to get what they want, people who do not care who gets hurt in the process...
My powers of destruction strike again
Posted on November 21, 2008You might have thought I was kidding when I said I have kryptonite for computers. But that shit is true, because yet another computer in my possession has met its painful death.This time my annihilation has rained down upon my hapless work computer. It has given me the blue screen of death...
Fingers Crossed
Posted on November 21, 2008Good luck to all the California Bar takers. Results are published today!!
Injustice anyone?
Posted on November 21, 2008I had a client in custody yesterday. He had failed to appear 2 days ago. 26 years old. Living on the street. No criminal record whatsoever. Not even an arrest.He was charged with theft...for eating a piece of cheese in a store and not paying.He was hungry because he is homeless...
Pocket Full of Laptop Cryptonite
Posted on November 15, 2008I have killed another laptop. Well, maybe not killed it, but I have seriously injured it. It was taking 35 to 45 minutes from start up to getting a webpage loaded. The screen flops around like a mackerel. It goes blue screen on my for no reason. It has approximately 2 minutes of battery power...
Argh!
Posted on November 11, 2008I am in the middle of reading a great book - a memoir called "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls and I am loving it.Much to my dismay I came to a pivotal point in the book when I discovered that my copy is missing pages 213 to 245. WTF!!!!Now I have to wait for bn...
Nothing like...
Posted on November 10, 2008The Bad:Driving 120 miles round trip every, single dayLosing all leverage in a case when a new OPEN case against your client is located at the last minute (which your client, of course, neglected to inform you about)YOUR client telling character wits AGAINST the complaining witness not to talk to your investigator because he is scared he will "lose his girl forever" if I call her a fucking violent liar at trialTrying to explain to a client why we have no defense in his loaded firearm case where he drove up to a law enforcement facility, handed over a fist-full of bullets, informed them that there was a gun in his car (parked right outside), and gave consent to searchWorking late the day before a holidayThe Good:The perfect manicureA day off in the middle of the weekHearing law school war stories from your baby brother Brand new, perfectly lovely knee-high suede bootsListening to your little nephew tell you he loves youOBAMA WINS!!!!
Dilemma
Posted on October 31, 2008Met a client on 14/30 for trial (for you non-law nerds out there, that means that he is on day 14 of the 30 day period, day 30 being the day he has a right to be brought to trial by). He is in custody. He has 7 probation violations, one is a felony, and one open misdemeanor case...
Why you should always be represented by an attorney
Posted on October 30, 2008Yesterday in court a client previously represented by my office came in to court and decided to represent himself to ask the court for an extension on the classes he was ordered to attend.Big mistake.The judge, not one for giving more than one extension throughout the life of a case, took him into custody...
This is why you don't leave your feet to make a hit!!
Posted on October 05, 2008Fuck! Anquan Boldin is now out indefinitely after having facial surgery to repair a broken bone he suffered as a result of ass-hat extraordinaire Eric Smith's jacked up hit last week.Hope the guy gets back this season. He is an incredible talent.
Death Penalty Op-Ed
Posted on October 05, 2008Here is the link.http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-woodford2-2008oct02,0,6847008.storyHere is the text:As the warden of San Quentin, I presided over four executions. After each one, someone on the staff would ask, "Is the world safer because of what we did tonight?"We knew the answer: No...
All I Want For Christmas
Posted on October 05, 2008That is a fucking diamond she is holding!! OMG! It is 478 carats. It is D in color (for those of you not in the know, that is the highest color rating for a diamond. It is colorless!!). It has a FLAWLESS center that experts in Antwerp believe could yield up to a 150-carat round! I am all tingly just thinking about it!!
Things I Love
Posted on October 04, 2008Buffed nails versus polishedBig Sugar Bakery "Chococcino" cupcakes Pedicures with OPI "Yoga-ta Get This Blue" My new Michael Kors Iona cross strap (mine are purple)My delicious new Cole Haan handbag. Gunmetal grey, and it is much darker than it looks in the pic...
That's cool, um, I guess
Posted on September 29, 2008Ok, so a bunch of computers found a 13-million digit prime number.Hooray!! Let's hear it for computer nerds!I just want to know something...WHAT THE FUCK SIGNIFICANCE DOES THIS HAVE??Someone, please explain the necessity to discover a number, which if printed out would stretch 30 miles, is a prime number?It reminds me of a quote by Strong Bad: "Popular Science?! No such thing, man...
Boldin recovering after hit
Posted on September 29, 2008Anquan Boldin is out of the hospital, resting at home after the nasty helmet-to-helmet shot he took in Sunday's game. Jet's safety Eric Smith was given a $50K fine and will serve a one game suspension.Glad to hear that Boldin is doing well. When I saw him hit the turf, clearly unconscious, I had to hold my breath...
Kill The Messenger
Posted on September 28, 2008I saw the new Chris Rock HBO special last night. As always, the man was hilarious.
I made it
Posted on September 26, 2008Well, I have driven 600 miles back and forth to work this week. After 5 days of waiting my computer was finally hooked into the network. And like a gift to me, one of my favorite bad movies is on (Thirteen Ghosts). I guess with the way the economy is going I am lucky to even have a job and a roof over my head...
Blah
Posted on September 24, 2008What is it with crappy tv these days? Has anyone seen this "Fringe" show on Fox? It is effing horrible!!
Day 3
Posted on September 24, 2008Ugh, it is not even 6:00am, why am I awake?? Oh yeah because I have a new assignment that is 60 miles from my house. Ah, good times.Except it isn't good times. Not at all. I am exhausted. I do not know how on earth I will be able to keep this up. What is worse is that when I mentioned that I needed time off (two Fridays) in October to travel to two weddings I was told it might not be doable...
What the EFF?!?!??!
Posted on September 22, 2008Where has Sex and The City gone from my OnDemand?!?!?!? I need it back.Yeah, so what I have seen every episode multiple times. So what I can watch every episode on OnDemand back to back??I need it back, NOW!! This is some bullshit.
D is for Douchebag
Posted on September 16, 2008DeSean Jackson is fucking dumb times ten for showboating his way right out of a touchdown tonight in the Philly @ Dallas game. The game was AMAZING, howev.Ok, so he went 6 catches for 110 yards, but no TD's for you, dummy.
OMFG
Posted on September 15, 2008Sweet lord, but this new HBO show "True Blood" is awful, awful, awful.The acting is soooo bad. And, BTW, did they not have enough money to hire a decent dialect coach? The accents are horrifying.I am hating this show big time, but M. is insisting it is going to get better...
Name that quote
Posted on September 15, 2008"You make it sound like it's some remote fucking experience in ancient history. Man, you don't leave the Agency."
In defense of Ed Hochuli
Posted on September 14, 2008Alright, before people start calling for Ed Hochuli's head on a plate, let me just have a second.At full speed, I thought it was a fumble, too. They reviewed the play, he saw he was wrong, but his hands were completely tied by the rule and he couldn't overturn himself...
Woot woot!
Posted on September 14, 2008I don't know how many times I will get to say this this season, but NINERS WIN!!!O'Sullivan had 321 yards! Clutch OT win for the Niners.After the dismal performance by OSU yesterday against USC, I needed some football glory.
Ugh...not good
Posted on September 13, 2008Chris Wells is apparently out for the Ohio State v. USC game.
Judge if you will
Posted on September 10, 2008The NKOTB, specifically Donnie Wahlberg, obsession has hit an all-time, unrequited, all-consuming high for me. Concert is a month away. I've gone insane. I am a grown woman. I am an attorney. I am a blockhead fo' life. Yeah, that's right. Deal with it.
Overheard at the bank
Posted on September 07, 2008My hubby and I went to the bank to consolidate some bank accounts. We were helped by a woman who made us wait while she sat in front of us on hold with HER credit card company ironing out some problem with HER account. The awesome customer service did not end there:Her: Would you like to be an owner or a signer on this account, Ipse Dixit?Me: Well, what is the difference between the two?Her: (TOTALLY exasperated): An OWNER is an OWNER and a SIGNER is a SIGNER...
Overheard at work
Posted on September 05, 2008I had to call the fire department to find out how to subpoena these paramedics for trial. This followed:Me: Hi, I'm Ipse Dixit from the Public Defender's office and I need to send out some subpoenas to two of your paramedics. Will you accept them by fax?Fireman Bob: You're a Public Defender?Me: Yes...
Only at the fair
Posted on September 05, 2008Deep fried avacado?! Deep fried White Castle hamburgers?! This is wrong. Sick and wrong. Check out the other nasty deep fried foods you can get at the fair this year. I would try the deep fried apples, actually.
Whatever
Posted on August 22, 2008So what!! I once had a client that I plead a probationary sentence at around 10:30am, released from custody at about 4:00pm, and was back in custody at 7:00pm for violating the same restraining order he plead to hours earlier.
Congrats Billy
Posted on August 20, 2008My little brother just started law school (silly boy) and in his first week has passed his first milestone...reading Pennoyer v. Neff for civ pro.Ah, Pennoyer v. Neff. The memories. This was the FIRST case I briefed for law school. I think I read it 20 times trying to understand it...
Happy Birthday Robert Plant
Posted on August 20, 2008He's 60! **(obviously not when this pic was taken)
Damn it
Posted on August 17, 2008Why is it that the results on American Idol are more closely guarded than Olympic results?!I am sick of the internet spoiling Olympics results for me. I have found out about the last 4 of Michael Phelps swims and the damn gymnastic results, too.
How excited am I?
Posted on August 09, 2008Due out Sept. 2.Yessssss!! Look, Donnie is totally checking me out. He wants me. Bad.
"I have to ask you about a hardship"
Posted on August 06, 2008These are never good words to hear in my office. Especially not when your head deputy calls you into his/her office and sits you down in order to ask you. What it means is that "they" want to transfer you somewhere else. And most likely it ain't gonna be somewhere close...
Weekend Update
Posted on August 03, 2008Saw Kirsten Dunst at a local bar (didn't she just get out of rehab?Went to a Dodger gameHad my first bite of the only native street food from this town...the bacon wrapped hot dogDyed my hairMissed J. A lot.
Things I Hate
Posted on August 03, 2008A client pleading on 10/10 (last day for trial)...especially after I wear my "meet the jury" suit.Getting assigned 65 NEW cases in a month's time.Not being able to speak to my Spanish speaking clients (Yes, I have plenty of interpreters, but I wish I could speak to them directly...
This one's for you, Annonymous commenter "D"
Posted on July 23, 2008I still heart Brit. Forever. She is awesome to the tenth power because even when she is laying low and is not out and about committing petty thefts on camera, she can still be counted on for some crazy stuff. Here is a pic of her rendering motherly care to her young son...
Drink up
Posted on July 23, 2008A man was arrested for DUI in Rhode Island with a .491 blood alcohol concentration!!That isn't even the most astonishing part...he was arraigned and the judge released him on his own recognisance!! There would have def been bail in my court, or anywhere in my county for that matter.
Every little things gonna be alright
Posted on July 23, 2008With less than a week away, I have to wish all you July 2008 bar takers well.Look, I've been through it. It was awful. I hated those 2 1/2 months of studying, and especially the last few weeks. I was angry. I suffered from stress worse than I even knew was possible...
Huh??
Posted on July 18, 2008I had a client in on 20/30 today. In custody with a parole hold. And an excellent case for trial as there are two witnesses who contradict the complaining witness in the police report. One witness is in court and is ordered back for the trial date...
This week's stats
Posted on July 17, 20084: number of trials on calendar today2: number of trials set to call the prosecution's bluff2: number of trial dismissals because the prosecution was unable to proceed1: number of clients with excellent cases for trial who could not afford to take time off of work to hold trial and entered a plea bargain1: number of trials trailed until Monday1: number of clients who shared extremely important information with me 7 months after it would have been helpful for me to have received such information1: number of my clients on informal probation who are back in custody now facing life in prison on strike number 360: age of third strike client1: number of percipient witnesses who contacted me AFTER plea bargain, whose names and information were not included in discovery4: number of times I had to leave the courtroom instead of getting into a screamin g match with a prosecutor1: number of clients who broke down crying upon learning that a family member was present in court and would have to learn what she did to try and pay her rent1: number of clients with mental retardation facing state prison2: clients in protective custody with a "green light"1: number of clients awaiting deportation who have given birth to a child while in custody1: number of complaining witnesses trying to shake my client down for money35: new cases assigned for the month4: number of clients who expressed heartfelt thanks for fighting for them
WWCDD?
Posted on July 10, 2008Recently I have been drowning under an insane caseload. I had to draw strength from somewhere. I found it in Clarence Darrow:You can protect your liberties in this world only by protecting the other man's freedom.No other offense has ever been visited with such severe penalties as seeking to help the oppressed...
Wedding Bells
Posted on June 28, 2008Congrats to my mommy and her wonderful new husband who were married in a beachside ceremony last week in Hawaii. I love them both very much and wish them many, many happy years together.
Bar humor
Posted on June 28, 2008I just got this in an email from a dear friend who is right now in the depths of hell, aka studying for the Bar exam. If you have already taken the bar, this will bring back memories. For those of you still studying, hang in there. You WILL pass! For those of you who have not suffered through the Bar exam, find a lawyer friend and share this with them...
Too much
Posted on June 28, 2008I am about 10 minutes into Ghosts of Abu Ghraib and I am already completely nauseous. I don't know if I am going to make it through this thing...Just for being an American, I feel like I owe so many people in the world an apology. On behalf of us all.
I have an addiction
Posted on June 27, 2008I am obsessed with sea glass. I mean, really obsessed. I can spend hours on a beach with my head bent to the sand. It is almost meditative for me. So imagine how I spent more than a few hours on the beaches of Hawaii? That's right, engaging in my favorite past time...
Later
Posted on June 17, 2008This time tomorrow I shall will be sitting poolside/beachside with a delish tropical drink in my hand. See ya'll in a couple weeks.
Words escape me
Posted on June 14, 2008Here is the mind numbing conversation I had the other day with one of the prosecutor's in my court:Me: So who is trying that case? You?Prosecutor: I think so.Me: So, you're gonna be the bad guy then, huh? Cool.Prosecutor: What?Me: Do you know that case? My client has an awesome defense and no jury will ever convict her (Seriously, it involves my client responding to a call from the police to come save her 5 year old...
Yes!
Posted on June 14, 2008Saw my first new hair stylist in over 6 years. And my hair is so fucking rad I cannot stand it! Sorta a modified Posh:Yum.
Success
Posted on June 07, 2008I stayed at work late last night and accomplished what I previously believed to be the impossible.I calendared every single one of my cases. Even post convictions. I got a new calendar and went to work with different colored pens (black for opens, red for post convictions, trials highlighted, green for motions) and wrote every single case I have into my calendar...
Priorities
Posted on June 07, 2008I had a client the other day who was trying to pick his date for jail time surrender so he didn't miss the "important games" in the NBA playoffs.Wow.
Maybe it is a good thing I am at home...
Posted on June 04, 2008because me+head cold+ court is sorta a bad combo. I say weird things on the record and I have a lower than usual threshold for prosecutorial nonsense. I got into a mini verbal sparring match with one of my prosecutors over a term of probation. My guy was charged with pirated DVD sales...
Man Down; Day 2
Posted on June 04, 2008Well, here I am again. Home when I should be at work. Blah. Here is the scorecard so far:Pros:I can stand up without getting dizzy."Sorry, Wrong Number" was on this morning when I got up (I have a weakness for old movies. And in this one Barbara Stanwyck's nutty overly dramatic antics and her jewelry rock my world)Cons:Bad, bad things are still happening in my sinusesThere is no more coffee!!
Sick. Again.
Posted on June 03, 2008I am sick. Home from work sick. Blah. My head, and everything in it (particularly my teeth and my sinuses), feel like it is going to explode. Ugh.What the hell is it with my and the late spring/early summer colds?! Exhibit one, and two. I get sick every time this year...
Take a number and wait
Posted on May 29, 2008I called to make an appointment with my 10,000th new doctor. She is supposed to be some hot shot, and was referred to me by my other new hot shot doctor. This woman must be amazing because my appointment isn't until mid-August!!WTF?!
Um, what?
Posted on May 27, 2008This woman claims to have been married to The Berlin Wall since 1979.No really. I swear. Read what she has to say about this nonsense here.Here is the article that ran in the UK Telegraph:Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, 54, whose surname means Berlin Wall in German, wed the concrete structure in 1979 after being diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-Sexuality...
Too much
Posted on May 27, 2008I met a client picked up on a bench warrant today. He had pulled his arms and head into his county blues when I came into the lock-up. This didn't strike me as a big deal, I figured he must be sleeping. When I called his name he pulled his head out and peeled open his eyes...
Saturday night with 600 of my closest Armenian friends
Posted on May 18, 2008My friend got married last night and I was introduced to a little thing called the Armenian wedding. Here are some of the details worth mentioning:There were over 600 people there. I do not even know 600 people. There was a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label, Crown Royal, and Grey Goose vodka on every table...
Ever have one of those days
Posted on May 17, 2008When you want to commit some horribly violent act upon EVERYONE in your courtroom? When every question is stupid? When everyone is annoying? Where every offer is ridiculous? Where you start the day off badly (someone swipes your copy of the calendar), and it just keeps getting worse (you don't have time to go get lunch because you are typing up your performance evaluation over the break, and then you close it before you save it)? When you work until 7:00pm on a Friday?Yeah...
American Idol
Posted on May 15, 2008Why is it that I start off the season always anxiously awaiting the next episode, then by the time they get down to about 5 or 6 people I am just praying for the whole mess to be over with?I am so over this show right now.BTW, the David Archuletta (or however you spell his name) creates such conflict inside me...
Things I Love
Posted on May 03, 2008XM Navigation and Traffic System2005 Vesuvio by Peachy Canyon (yummers!)Narcisco Rodriguez for her Louis Vuitton Galliera PM (You will be mine soon!) Louis Vuitton Horizontal Lockit (Hmm, so torn between these two!)
Huh?
Posted on May 02, 2008Next week I have an ATTEMPTED DUI trial set to start.Wtf?? No one I know has even heard of such bullshit. I cannot wait to start this trial, because I swear I will go down in office history for this.
Yeah, that's right
Posted on May 01, 2008Today, I got into a brisk 15-minute argument on the record where I fought with the prosecution over, what I and everyone else in the courtroom agreed, a RIDICULOUS position. At the end, after I made my points and the judge agreed with me, my client turned to me with a smile on his face just as he was walking out of the courtroom and said, "Man, you're goooood!"
Out of body experience
Posted on April 30, 2008In the last week I have been in court on three separate occasions where I had to stop and nearly pinch myself because I couldn't believe what was happening...The judge was actually on MY side!Holy shit! Alert the media.
Never again
Posted on April 20, 2008I hereby swear to never, ever again sign a petition outside of a store, or anywhere else for that matter!First of all, I am pretty well convinced that the average voter (sadly, myself now included) doesn't have any business voting on ballot propositions, so I should not encourage more propositions making it onto the ballot...
I have all the answers, suckas
Posted on April 18, 2008Today, a bar panel attorney was trying to plea down a case, but when asked for the maximum sentence, she did not know what it was. The judge, the prosecutor, the attorney, none of them knew. They all start flipping through the Penal Code trying to find it...
Random "celeb" sighting
Posted on April 12, 2008Luke from General Hospital at the coffee store.His hair didn't look as awesome as it did in 1981, however.
Discerning Drug User?
Posted on April 09, 2008Client: "Ma'am, I just need a program! I need help ma'am. I only just started using, and I need help!"Me: "What are you using? Crystal?"Client: "Nah. That shit is for white people!"I laughed out loud at that one.
OMG!!!!
Posted on April 07, 2008Yes, I am old. NKOTB is BACK! Word! I was in 7th grade when I fell in love with Donnie Wahlberg. I was, to put it mildly, insane. My best friend in the would, K., was as well. We could tell you the names of their siblings, we knew the names of their bodyguards...
Client of the Month Award
Posted on April 07, 2008I had an in-custody client with a really awesome case set for trial. On day 8 of 10 for trial new facts came out that were bad, bad for us and quickly our awesome case went down the drain. Anyway, the offer was time served with probation for a plea to a lesser charge...
The Pressure!
Posted on March 15, 2008I have a client who is charged with resisting arrest/delaying an officer in his duties. All he did was watch the cops arresting his 17 year old brother and have the audacity to ask why. The cops threw him to the ground, beat him with batons, and charged HIM with a crime...
"Public Defender" is an element of set "Attorney"
Posted on March 04, 2008I was poking around in the CEB today when I came across a phrase that really irritated me. See if you can figure out why..."Some attorneys and public defender offices take the position that, as an ethical matter, defense attorneys should not join in guilty pleas in either felony or misdemeanor cases if the defendant denies guilt...
Attorney client privilege, so what?!
Posted on February 29, 2008This really just happened a few hours ago.I was in an interview room with my client, you know, having a private conversation about his criminal case in which he is entitled to counsel and is protected by the attorney client privilege. No biggie.The door swings open and the dumbest fucking deputy WALKS INTO THE BOOTH:Deputy Dumbshit (DD from here on out): "I couldn't help but overhearing that you -"Me: "I'm sorry, WHAT??"DD: "I just wanted to tell you about the cite out policy you were talking about...
WTF?!
Posted on February 23, 2008I know what you are thinking. You are looking at these pictures and thinking, what the hell is this nonsense? Well, I will tell you.These are pictures of... children's lunches.No! I AM NOT KIDDING! There are mothers out there who put this shit together for their kids EVERYDAY! What?! I am baffled...
Another First
Posted on February 19, 2008I worked out a really good deal for a client today. She was really excited about it. So excited, in fact that she (an African American woman) said I (a white woman) was her N-Word.Yeah, yeah, the N-Word. THAT N-Word. I must have had some visual reaction to that, which she read as me being incredulous, so she reassured me again that I, indeed, was her N Word...
Ferocia, don't spray me with your AquaNet!
Posted on February 18, 2008Words cannot express how much I simply ADORE Christian Siriano from Project Runway. That bitch makes the world go around! I need to meet him, like, right this second. We would be BFF's, I swear to God. I would call him Ferocia Coutura and he could call me Sassy Lashes...
On private counsel
Posted on February 16, 2008I have a client on a three defendant vandalism case. One of the Co-D's is represented by a bar panel attorney (court appointed attorney because our office declared a conflict) and one is represented by private counsel. And private counsel is a big ass...
Gravely disabled?
Posted on February 16, 2008This whole Britney Spears thing is such a circus. A circus which I check in on daily via any number of my favorite celeb gossip sites (don't judge, bitches), but a circus nonetheless.I was a bit confused by the turn of events a few weeks ago when she was brought in on a 72 hour hold that was then extended because she was found to be "gravely disabled"...
A dream come true?
Posted on February 05, 2008I have long harbored an egomanical dream of having a client, in open court, expound on what a wonderful attorney I am. I know, I know I am an attention whore, but hey, I am a trial attorney. We are by definition a little bit self-centered.So anyway, today it happened...
YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Posted on February 03, 2008FUCK YES!!! I love it!! SUCK IT TOM BRADY!!!Congrats to the New York Giants.World champs.
PD Win!
Posted on January 15, 2008Another PD in my office just got a court order to prohibit the prosecutor from calling her his "colleague" during trial.Word. We are not colleagues! We are not working together! We are not pals! We are ADVERSARIES!Asshole. It is one of those slimy prosecutor things that some of them try and pull that I really, really hate.
Sketchy
Posted on January 11, 2008Someone stole an apple and diet dr. pepper out of my lunch bag in the fridge! WTF?!
R.I.P. Edmund Hillary
Posted on January 10, 2008The first man to summit Everest. The namesake of my favorite person on the planet.
Things you should NOT bring to court
Posted on January 10, 2008Here is just a short list:The complaining witness on your violation of a protective order caseyour Corona t-shit to your DUI caseyour weedthe six children you watch in day care your alcohol laden breathyour pimpyour fake IDyour fake community service papersyour fake alcohol program papersyour fake doctor's noteyour fake alibi witnessAnd in case you were wondering, yes, I have seen people bring all of these things...
This is why he is a prosecutor
Posted on January 10, 2008Prosecutor: "I'm not going to be here on that day. I am going away for a week."Me: (trying to make nice) "Oh that's nice! Where are you going?"Prosecutor: "Just away."WTF is wrong with you?! Welcome to the real world where people exchange pleasantries and shit...
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Posted on January 08, 2008Best: I started my new assignment today. GOT HOME AT 5:15pm! And I had time to go to the store on the way home!! This has not happened to me in MONTHS. I had an awesome meal finished when my hubby got home. Wow.Worst: The big game did not turn out as I had hoped...
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Posted on January 06, 2008Thanks to all who voted for me in the Rodneys. As undeserved as I am, I actually won! And as a PD, I don't win all that much, so this means a lot.
It is ALL OVER!
Posted on January 06, 2008Woohoo! I am finished with my horrible assignment! Transferring the hell out of this place will be the best thing about my time in the PD's office. Ok, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. but seriously, the last 5 months here has been the worst bullshit of all time...
Last day to vote!
Posted on January 01, 2008Hurry on over to PDStuff and vote for the Rodneys! And don't forget to vote for me as best blog by a female PD!! It is the last day to send out your love to all those hard working PD's who somehow find time to blog and entertain us. So vote!
Christmas vow
Posted on December 30, 2007I am a big Christmas person, but somehow this year was Bullshit Christmas in my world. We didn't have time to get a tree! I didn't bake a single Christmas cookie! I did almost all of my shopping online. If it weren't for the fact that I saw How The Grinch Stole Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life, Christmas Story, and the awesome claymation Rudolph, Christmas would have really been lost...
I'm a real grown up now!
Posted on December 30, 2007I got a new car! I got a new car! I got a new car!!Yes, saying that three times was necessary.
Random Celeb Sighting
Posted on December 25, 2007Mark McGrath, Juror #10 in my friend's last trial!
Merry Christmas to me
Posted on December 25, 2007I spent $60 on lunch yesterday! One of my pals and I took advantage of the light calendar and went to a fancy lunch. I mean FANCY! I even had a glass of wine. At lunch! Wtf???Seriously though, I need to do that stuff way more often.
Justice Thieves
Posted on December 25, 2007This is a post I started writing a couple of weeks ago. Whoops! Let me preface it by saying that my courtroom is pretty much where justice comes to die...My trial for today got continued over my objection. I announced ready. People said not ready. No dismissal...
Wow!!
Posted on December 25, 2007For some insane reason or another I have been nominated by the awesome PD site PDStuff for Best Female PD Blog of 2007! Yeah me! The rest of the nominees are way more deserving than me, but I am tickled pink nonetheless. Vote for me starting on Wednesday (yeah, yeah, it is my blog so I can plug myself if I like!)Thanks PDStuff!
"Guilty" Juries
Posted on December 25, 2007I have decided that I am NEVER talking to another guilty jury again. It is my second loss in a row (I won one count and lost one count in both trials, but who cares as the counts merge for sentencing anyway) and this last jury was the first guilty one that I spoke with...
All apologies
Posted on December 24, 2007Ok, so the judge calls me into chambers...Although I really did not want to have a discussion with the judge, I did not want her to think a) I was scared to talk to her or b) that I was being a spiteful asshole. I figured if there was something she wanted to clear up with me I was more than happy to hear about it...
Fighting Words
Posted on December 22, 2007This week I was attacked on the record. My professionalism was questioned. My ethics were questioned. My dedication and responsibility to my clients was questioned.By the judge.My judge accused me, on the record, in front of an courtroom full of my clients of intentionally letting my clients bench warrant so that I could get the clock to start over so that my successor (I am getting transferred in another 2 weeks) would have to try the cases...
Recently Overheard
Posted on December 20, 2007"No! That's the anal beads case!"...in reference to a DUI!
PD Life
Posted on December 08, 2007Worked 55 hours in 4 days (I had Monday off). Started a new trial at 4:00pm on Friday. Not working this weekend!!!
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